 The Kind of Friend I Am Posted by Susan Sey Jul 21 2012, 12:43 am
Slim to I-don’t-think-so. And to compound the situation, I grew up in a small town. New people didn’t come along all that often. Figuring out how to pull together a social circle was not a skill I was forced to develop.
This is part of why I adore my husband. His social impulse is strong and true. He actually believes people like him, & that he’s usually right about stuff. And because he believes it, it comes true. I find this magical & compelling. He calls people up on a whim, invites them to a thing…and they say yes. They actually seem happy to be asked. I’ve tried this on occasion. It doesn’t go as well for me. I can’t explain it but I’m happily coupled with a guy that makes it work, & that’s enough providence for me.
See, I’m a stay at home mom. I literally have no value to the world apart from the fact that I can watch the kids while everybody else is out being useful and smart. (And getting paid. But that’s a different topic.) But that’s okay by me. I happen to enjoy kids. First of all, they’re sort of hilarious, & second of all, they’re mine. There’s nobody I want raising them but me. I’m thinking about this today because a family we know–a family we love–just had a baby. Their third. Their older two kids are the same ages as ours, & love to play together. So my husband did his usual magic trick and pulled this family out of the herd of acquaintances we were running around with & made them our friends. He called them up, he invited them to stuff and they said yes. I know. It’s a miracle to me, every time. Mr. Sey shines in this regard & I adore him for it.
Because suddenly, they needed more than an invitation to the movies or the park or the ice cream parlor. Suddenly, they needed child care. And not for the baby. No, a new mom has an infant all covered. What they needed was somebody who could fold an extra 5 & 8 year old into her life while their parents did the hard work of bringing a new baby into the world. They needed somebody with a big ol’ van & extra car seats & a flexible schedule. They needed somebody who would text them every morning to say, “Hey, when can I come for the kids?” (Because calling is awkward. I like texting.) Suddenly, they needed the kind of friend I can be. And every time I picked up or dropped off, they said, “Thank you so much. We owe you, big time.” And every time I said, “You absolutely do not.” Because honestly? I was the grateful one.
And now these friends of ours, who just had the baby? They allowed me to be that person to them. I offered to open my arms to their kids, but I was really opening my heart to their family. And they said yes. And it felt like a miracle to me. So how about you? Are you a good social instigator, or do you rely on others to make your connections? Are you a good networker? Can you call people on the phone without thinking twice? Or are you more like me, weirdly phone-phobic, forever grateful for people who make it look easy? And if so, who in your life plays that role?
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Susan, I’m a pretty good social instigator. What I’m not as good at as I’d like to be is following up. Keeping up, if you will. This is partly because my body may be Earthbound, but a big chunk of my brain spends a lot of time hovering in the vicinity of Mars. Then brain and body reconnect, leading to an “oh, cripes!, that was when?!” moment with frantic scrambling to make up time or possibly to make amends.
But I have to take issue with your assessment of the value of your days. You can’t bank it, maybe, but society will bank it when the liitle Seys grow up to be fine people like their parents. (This is not to dis moms with outside jobs. I was one for several years, and the boy seems to have turned out fine. My mom worked as a secretary most of my life without producing juvenile delinquents.) But choosing to stay home and focus on your children not only gives you more time with them but saves the megabucks of childcare. So if you want to calculate that cost and assign it to your days, it’s an objective, if incomplete, assessment of value.
Your days are valuable. Let this be your mantra.
Or else I’m going to have to come out there.
I think of you as an incredibly on-top-of it person, Nancy! I can’t imagine you floating out of the ether wondering what you’d forgotten! It actually makes me feel better about myself to know that you feel this way sometimes, too.
And thanks for the vote of solidarity for stay at homes. It’s been ten years without a paycheck, & while I wouldn’t do a thing differently, I do miss the days when there was an objective measure for my value to society. A measure I got to go spend on pretty things. *sigh*
Susan, I miss my paycheck, too. And my coworkers, now that the boy is off at school.
Oh, I got the rooster. We have lots of cleaning he can do.
Nancy, the Rooster seems a dab hand at making friends. I still haven’t quite worked out why!
He’s probably nicer to them than he is to us or to the Lair’s other residents.
LOL I would have to agree with that Nancy he is usually pretty well behaved when he gets to my place as long as I have plenty of Tim Tams for him
Have fun with him
Helen
Alas, but I have no Tim Tams, Helen.
He *does* draw a crowd, doesn’t he? Something about that guy. It’s…magnetic. You just can’t look away. Like a train wreck but smoother….
SNORK!
OMG. That’s great. And exactly how it is with the GR.
LOL! Congrats on the chook, Nancy! Hope he’s a helpful sort today!
Susan, lovely post! And truly, you are a lovely friend! You may not be the outgoingest sort or the one to call and suggest a get together, but honestly, you’re the truest-bluest friend–one who’s going to reach out and give you a hand or two when you need it most. Your friends are blessed to know you!
And hm… I think I’m a so-so instigator, partly because I’m even more OK now with not getting out as much. So we get out a little, occasionally because of our efforts, and probably slightly more because we have friends who are better at reaching out than we are ;p
I’m not a great networker nor a terrible one, and can call people but probably prefer e-mail these days. I feel like that gives people a chance to respond at their leisure… While I don’t mind when friends call, sometimes I don’t want to be interrupting their days if it isn’t something crucial I need to ask them
(Clearly I’m revealing my mixed feelings about cellphones and the expectation these days of being accessible 24/7…) 
Thanks, Fedora. I don’t think the rooster is especially inclined to be helpful, but having a dog he fears helps. She’ll keep an eye on him.
I don’t like the expectation of 24/7 accessibility, either. I like to be left alone sometimes. But I do prefer making plans by phone because I can nail something down in less than five minutes that could take a couple of days of email exchanges to finalize. A lot of my friends, though, share your preference for arrangements by email, maybe for similar reasons.
Fedora, you’ve put your finger on exactly how technology has helped the phone-phobic like me, but also pushed us into a corner! Email/texting allows people to chew over a social request & reply to it after figuring out how they want to respond. (The phone demands an answer NOW which I find unpleasant.) But these little phones we keep in our pockets demand that we are always connected & sometimes I just want to disconnect.
Hmmmm. It’s a dilemma.
Susan, what an interesting post! I bet that young mother wanted to fall at your feet and worship your wonderfulness!
Oh, I’ve been in her shoes. There is nobody you love more than the one who takes your enormous children to the park while you figure out what to do with the teeny one you just birthed.
When you have no family in town (neither of us do) you have to depend on friends to be your family. So I’ve been where she is, but I’d never been where *I* was in that situation. It surprised me how wonderful it felt.
Congrats on the GR, Nancy,
Hi Susan,
I’d like to think that I’m a great friend, but wish I were more open and social so that I could make more friends. I remember the days when I used to spend hours on the phone with my friends. These days it’s just email and texting. I’m not phone phobic, but I do usually wait for the other person to call/contact.
See, this is exactly how I do it! I figure, if people want to see me, they’ll call. (Or email or text or whatever.) If I do not hear from them, I can safely assume they do not care for my company. The flaw in this logic is that it doesn’t allow for the idea of MY wanting to see somebody, & how much they might enjoy the idea of somebody wanting to see THEM.
sigh. I’m really going to have to work on this.
Susan
I too am a bit this way I am really bad at ringing people on the phone LOL and I too well text a message more often than ring. I used to mind children for my friends so as they could go to work and I could stay at home with mine and I loved it but as the years have gone on although I think about them all the time I am really bad at catching up life just seems to get in the way with work and people moving away and the time I love to spend with my family. I was really excited the other day we got a birthday party invitation in the mail to one of my friends (whose children I used to mind) and I can’t wait to catch up with them they were just like a second family to me years ago, but sadly we communicate at Christmas time with cards so sad.
I do love to socilise but am bad at starting the ball rolling although if someone invites me I am in LOL
Have Fun
Helen
Oh, Helen, you sounds just like me! We should start a club. People who love people but hate the telephone.
I hope that birthday party is a tremendous hit & that you have a fantastic day catching up with old friends!
So how about you? Are you a good social instigator, or do you rely on others to make your connections? Are you a good networker? Can you call people on the phone without thinking twice? Or are you more like me, weirdly phone-phobic, forever grateful for people who make it look easy? And if so, who in your life plays that role?
With an older brother – who acted like I was ‘just his kid sister’ I didn’t have any sisters to hang out with. So, it was up to me to get my socialising in order. However my folks didn’t like anyone I became friends with.
It became a running joke in my family that my friends were slow, had a glass eye or a wooden leg… because I was one of those kids who took in the kids who were rejected in the playground and befriended them. No matter what grade they were in, who they were, what colour they were, what religion or what language they spoke, I was friends with them… and it didn’t always work out.
However, after high school, and after the work force, I have found that making good friends is a lot harder. People don’t expect a lot out of me, but I always feel as though I’m constantly proving myself for some reason.
In the last year or so, I have stopped doing that and made sure I just kick back and let things happen; and enjoyed the ride.
I love social networking and making new friends – whether I keep them or not isn’t really up to me… it’s got a lot to do with fate and destiny.
Mozette, you sound like a gift to every playground you ever attended.
I, too, think that making friends gets harder & harder the older we get. Something about being out of school & settled in our lives makes it less necessary to make good friends. We’ve already got them lined up. I hope I’m always open to making a new friend, but I fear it’s not the case as often as I’d like.
Susan, dearest Susan, I too am the third of four sisters, except I have a very rowdy brother tacked on at the end as #5. Like you, it was never necessary for me to make friends until I went to school. I was terrible at it!
I’m still terrible at it. The people who were and are and will be my friends are those who reached out to me. Because I’m happy to say yes, but I would never, ever, in a million years think of asking someone else to lunch or to go shopping (as if that’s even a thing!) or whatever. But when they ask me, I am beyond thrilled to go (as long as I like them).
I’ll admit to being a bit picky about actual friends. I can get along with most anyone, but for me to want to spend lots of time with someone for years takes a pretty special person. I got exceptionally lucky with the Banditas, because we are all pretty terrific. But that little girl who was labeled “shy” (I wasn’t, but I was quiet) never got much beyond that. Now I look like a hard-faced bitch when I don’t smile, so I get the label of “aloof” (or something far less complimentary) unless I am dazzling people with my somewhat-blinding smile.
I have not gotten any better at making friends over the years. These days, I figure people my age have all the friends they could possibly use. A huge exception is my friend Kim, who my BFF and I just befriended (at my instigation!) last December. But Kim is one of those people who never met a stranger and was not put off my my stalking her through tax records and online blogs (long story), so she took to us like white on rice.
Sadly, I did not marry someone who makes friends easily. My husband is much more awkward with people than I am. Happily, though, our children all seem to make friends with ease. I’m so glad it’s not genetic!!
And just for the record, my parents were both the most charming, charismatic people in the universe and made friends with astonishing ease. I have friends from college who still call my mother even if I don’t hear from them. How does that even happen?!?
Caren, I’m having trouble thinking of you as either aloof or hard-faced! Aren’t you the one who invited this lost little duckling to share your happy room at RWA nationals a few years back because I had nowhere to go & no friends to nest with? And shared all your inside info & your delightful roomies, who also took me under their wings & shepherded me safely through the terrifying conference?
I always think of you as so assured & warm & welcoming! Next time you feel awkward, remember that.
Susan, I think you’re the best kind of friend to do the child care thing.
And of course I have stories to go with yours.
Recently we had to go out of town at a moment’s notice and had no where to leave 13 (91 in dog years) old Rocky. We didn’t want to do the kennel, we couldn’t leave him home, because our go-to child for dog care, our son, was going with us.
In pops my friend/co-worker Karen. She volunteered to take the old dog for the week. We called it Karen’s doggy summer camp and could relax knowing he was still being spoiled rotten and making a friend of her dog Lufey!!
Story #2: When I was 5 my uncle died in the mountains of Tenn. My mother, father and little sister had to leave late one night to go there, but my brother and I were in school. My parents friends, known as Aunt Carol and Uncle Bob came to the rescue. We stayed with them for a week. Me, the little princess, their two sons and my brother. I learned how cool it was to eat hotdogs cut up and dipped in ketchup and how to bake cookies with Aunt Carol. She reminded me of this when I saw her at the beginning of this month!!
So, you see… you’re the best kind of friend. One someone can depend on!
Oh, and you know that friend who calls? The one who says, let’s plan lunch? Want to go see the newest Sherlock Holmes movie?
Yeah, that’s me!
Trust me when I say, we like to be the one getting the call sometimes, too! It’s never an inconvenience when it’s a friend.
People like you make friends wherever they go, Suz! You make us all feel like we’re your dear friend, & we love love love to do stuff with you. But it’s a great reminder that you also like to be invited to stuff.
Hey, want to grab dinner/lunch/drinks in Anaheim next week?
Of course! What day is open for you?
I’m very much like you. I’m not much of a driver and that seems to be the thing you have to do now. I like people but I’m not the one to do the calling because of that. I too stayed home with my kids and loved it. We lived in an old neighborhood so no one near to play with my kids. When I was growing up you played with neighbor kids or not at all. My husband is an only child like my dad was so he makes male friends but not family friends. I do have an older sister but she is worse than me and doesn’t really like people lol. My niece had 7 kids because they weren’t allowed to join anything growing up. At least I did get my kids to the Y and girl scouts and school activities and a few friend’s homes.
Having a house full of kids often feels like it takes up any social energy I ever had, catslady! By the time we make it to the end of the day, the very last thing I’m interested in is seeking out more company! But as my kids get older & I have more time to myself, I do find myself wondering if I should devote more energy to making girlfriends. I think that’s going to be an interesting part of my life these next few years….
I am a good friend and I have good friends.. We don’t see a lot of each other anymore because we all now live 1-2hrs away from one another, but when we get together is blast. We try to have a girls weekend at least once a year. It use to be more than that.. But we have our birthday get togethers too… I came from a family of 5 and 4 of them boys. So my gal pals are very important to me….
.
But even though I am the single one without children. I am not called Superaunt for nothing, When in need I am always there to help out witht he kids.. My aunt once said, when someone asked was I a Mother, she ansered yes.. I have always looksed after all the nieces and nephews… related to me or not.
We are good at something and whatever it is, if it makes us happy then we are good…
Kathleen, it’s really beautiful that you’ve been so close to your nieces & nephews that they’d call you superaunt. I have a sister like that & I don’t know where I’d be without her.
Susan, you’re a wonderful friend and, to that new mother, you’re probably a miracle! There’s no set standard for friendship in my book. Friends come in all sizes, personalities and degrees of social interaction. The most important quality in my mind is that a friend is there when you need them and that, my dear, fits you perfectly!
Aw, thanks, PJ! I often–like most people, I think–wish I had skills & aptitudes I don’t, while failing to realize that I have qualities other people would probably appreciate. The grass is always greener, you know? But I do love hearing that friends come in all shapes, sizes & levels of extroversion.
Especially from people like you who seem particularly adept at creating communities. It’s always a wonderful time over at the Dish!
Amen amen! *hanky wave* AMEN Sistah!
Susan, what a touching blog post. My throat is clogged now.
You’re the kind of friend people want when they’re in difficulties. And your husband’s the kind of friend they want when they’re enjoying themselves. As a team, you two are spectacular!
Thanks, Keira! I’ve always kind of thought the reason Mr. Sey & I work is because our skills sets are so opposite. We’re never totally in sync (you can imagine the arguments about what to do on a Saturday night) but we pull each other toward the middle. There are lots of ways for marriage to work but that one does it for us.
What a wonderful post.
Yes, I have a tough time picking up the phone and doing all the things that good friends are supposed to do. Maybe it’s a middle child thing?
You are doing something wondeful for your friends. Maybe their grandchild will be named Susan after you!
Shoot, by the time they have grandkids, maybe Susan will be a popular name again.
Goodness knows it’s been a while since we Susans were fashionable.
Ooh, Nancy got the GR! He is in for it now! Herself will keep him in line!
Susan, your time at home with your kids is beyond price. It is a gift you give to them, to yourself and to the rest of us. I truly admire working mothers, but I was raised by a stay-at-home Mom and my brothers and I look back now and marvel at how easy she made it look – dragging three kids all over the world as an Air Force wife. Parenting is the most important job on earth. The paycheck actually comes when the job is done and the child is a sane, loving, giving, honorable contributing member of society. Can’t put a price on that.
For most of my life I was the instigator, the organizer. I planned the parties, the movie trips and the adventures. I refereed the fights in our group of friends and I kept everyone in touch.
These days I have discovered myself to be a bit of a recluse and I have to depend on others to draw me out or get me involved. Don’t know how it happened, but it did.
I am fortunate to have some great writing friends who are the organizers now and they fully intend to make this conference one of my best ever – even if they have to drag me kicking and screaming to get-togethers, parties and dinners. Bless them!
I am, however, one of the most dependable and loyal friends many people know. I tend to see people’s fears, issues and their resulting nastiness as something to be understood rather than a reason for abandonment. My brother says I am too forgiving and soft-hearted. There are worse things to be!
You sounds like my favorite kind of friend, Louisa! Maybe we’ll find each other in Anaheim while standing awkwardly around some party or other, take pity on one another & strike up our own little party. I’ll look for you if you’ll look for me.
Louisa….
that last paragraph…
I can totally see that in you. And I want to be you when I grow up.
I wish you lived closer so we could do stuff.
And you go party like it’s 1999 at National. Good for those friends of yours! And you should be safe from the GR. We are locking him up right and proper so he can’t sneak out to the conference.
Susan, I read this earlier and I love this blog. I got interrupted and did not get to comment, and I’m sorry I’m late, but I had to say…I didn’t used to be good at making friends either. I had to learn…and had to get into a community of artsy people before I could do it.
That said, I think you’re so much FUN..and I can’t imagine that anybody would see you in any other way. Our perceptions of ourselves…..that’s a strange kind of crazy isn’t it?
So glad you’ve got that family thing going on, and thank God there are some people in the world like you to help out with kids.
If I have to keep kids for friends, I’ll do it. But I only promise to keep them alive. No more, no less.
Hey, keeping them alive counts for a LOT in my book. For everything, actually.
Plus I think my kids would come home from your house more useful than I sent them.
Which is worth even more. You’d have them calling you Auntie by lunch time, I bet.
Oh, and I should answer the questions.
I hate the phone, though I am good at it.
I am a good instigator on the spur of the moment because I will talk to, and make friends with, a rock if it will act even remotely interested…or even just sit quietly and listen.
I do have to be in the right crowd though. I have to be with people who “get” me. If not, it’s a bust. And I’ve learned to just ditch the people who don’t get me…and do it right out. No worries about trying to make them like me. I’m one of those. Either you do or you don’t.
But yeah…I’m always putting together some kind of social thing. Even if it’s just texting some friends to say, “you wanna eat?”
Which is one of the reasons I so deeply adore you.
I can’t wait until the next conference we’re both at so we can have a glass of wine & you can make me laugh until I snort. Which you always do. I’ll look forward.