 Miss Manners? I Do! Posted by Christina Brooke Jul 19 2012, 1:49 am
But really, at what point in history was the concept of good manners relegated to the dust heap? Children these days, or at least the majority of the ones I meet, rarely say please and thank you without being reminded by their parents. I know that my children have had good manners drummed into them from infancy and yet somehow, once school term begins, so begins the backwards slide.
Sad to say, it isn’t only children who don’t display common courtesy these days. How many times have you stood in a queue only to have some Johnny-Come-Lately slip in front of everyone without good reason or apology? What about the way people put their feet on the seats on public transport? Or throw their trash on the ground? And it’s certainly not confined to any particular sector of society. Every time I go to the opera and line up to collect our drinks order at intermission, people walk straight in front of me as if I’m invisible. I think that might be what we call a false sense of entitlement. Or maybe I’m just so short, to them I really am invisible. And don’t get me started on the rudeness of drivers. That’s a whole new blog post. When I was in high school I took a course on deportment (yes, I’m a sad case!) In fact, it was a lot of fun. Also a bit of an eye opener, with much tutelage on makeup and grooming (hot wax was involved) and a priceless piece of advice from our tutor: “Ladies, I don’t care if you come in at three in the morning, rolling drunk, you MUST remove your makeup before you go to bed!” Food for thought there. But along with those valuable life lessons, I also learned the correct way to set a table, leave my cutlery and napkin when I was finished, reply to wedding invitations, and so forth–many of which my mother had already passed on. Such things do come in handy at some stage or other. In fact, now that I come to think of it, it was a very useful course. I’ve always loved those stories like COLD COMFORT FARM and THE GRAND SOPHY, where a bright young Miss Post-type lady sails in and fixes everyone, including their manners. Clearly, I was born in the wrong era.
It’s so much fun when a hero and heroine have a verbal sparring match while being deadly polite. As a writer, I love the way I can use my characters’ inability to throw a tantrum or make a scene so I can ratchet up the tension. If you keep all of that passion simmering beneath the surface when they can’t do a thing about it, once they are finally alone, the result is explosive. So to speak. What about you? Have you experienced some truly galling piece of rudeness lately? What about a good story? Anyone been the recipient of unusual courtesy? Do you disagree with me that good manners have gone to the dogs? TweetPosted in Cold Comfort Farm, good manners, rant, Regency England, The Grand Sophy Comments75 thoughts on “Miss Manners? I Do!” |
  
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Hi Christina,
NYC gets a bad rap about rudeness. I think the majority of us are courteous and very willing to help another in need. We do of course encounter rude people who push their way to the front in order to be the first to get on the subway car, but later you’ll see someone hold the elevator door so that you can get on. I do notice that some of the kids today aren’t as mindful of their manners. Don’t really know why that is.
Jane, you got the chook! Now there’s a fellow who could do with some deportment classes. Or perhaps I just mean he could do with deporting!
Interesting you mention NYC. I’ve visited that wonderful city four times now and each time, I’ve been treated with such kindness and courtesy. In fact, my experience of travelling in America has been really positive with the exception of the Marriott Wardman Park in Washington which is clearly where every rude person in the U.S. has moved to! The warm, hospitable welcome I’ve received in America has made me so eager to see more of your wonderful country.
Gosh, we both had an awful time there, didn’t we Foanna, but you especially! It made Fawlty Towers look like a 5 star hotel.
Seriously, John Cleese would have won employee of the month!
My mother and her cousin visited NY several years ago and she said everyone was very helpful to give directions or nodding their heads as they walked by, etc.
Actually, Jane, you’re right. I didn’t encounter any rudeness when I was in New York last year. Congrats on winning the rooster today!
WTG on catching the Rooster, Jane! Maybe you could take him to a play or something, teach him some culture. He’s such a rake hell….although, come to think of it, he DOES use good manners.
Must be because he knows it seduces the ladies. :>
Christine, what an interesting post. I hate it when parents don’t teach their kids manners – it’s not doing the kids any favors! I agree with you about the formality being one of the attractions of writing a Regency – and I’ve got to say I love that that cool, polite facade hides all these boiling passions. No wonder we adore writing and reading love stories in this era!
Anna, I think we’re at one on this issue! Love that simmering, roiling tension behind the society facade.
You two crack me up. All that simmering pot business. SNORK!!
Anna, I SO agree with you though that the parents who neglect manners are not doing their kids any favors. As simple as it is, a thank you can go a long way to getting you a job, a friend, or a patron…so…
Christine, I’m with you on rudeness. It’s a growing epidemic. We always get praised because Wee has good manners. That goes to show that people don’t expect good manners from kids, and so they’re surprised when they do see them. I’m strict on manners, too.
I agree with Fo above: the formality of manners is certainly what draws me to the Regency era.
Keira, I get the same thing with my children. It’s as if they’re extraordinary for simply saying please and thank you. My little one used to say ‘Excuse me’ before he said anything. He’s grown out of that now, but it was cute while it lasted.
Keira, we get the same thing. When my boys use the basic courtesies, I get this wide-eyed look from the parents, and comments like, “Oh, how did you teach him to have SUCH good manners?”
My internal response, “How did you so assiduously avoid giving the same to YOUR children!” Urg.
I have a zero tolerance policy in my house for bad manners, from my kids or anyone elses. Heehee. Many of my son’s friends have learned “the basics” from me when visiting. Grins. (And yes, I do it with good manners! hahahaha!)
Jeanne, you have brought up some fine young gentlemen there. I can attest to that!
Hi Christine!
Going out to a nice restaurant was a big treat when I was a kid. I remember my mother muttering to herself about other diners who had bad table manners. She’d always tell us, “Tear the slice of bread in half, otherwise you look as if you’re buttering your palm…Take small bites…Pat your lips with the napkin, don’t wipe!”
I had a holiday open house and one of the guests parked himself on the sofa and stretched out so no one else could sit on it. Then he proceeded to tell me that I served the wrong kind of apple with the brie. I kept smiling and asked him not to put his feet on my coffee table. And then he told me that he hated the lighting in my living room. Cretin.
I have friends who send their kids to cotillion classes. I think it’s a great idea.
Congrats on the GR, Jane!
Hi Jen, lovely to see you here! We have terms for that kind of fellow in Australia that I can’t say on a G rated blog but I’m guessing you’ll know what I mean. That’s not only rude, it’s condescending into the bargain.
Cotillion classes sound like an excellent idea!
Jennifer, I’m afraid my manners might have deserted me when faced with such a fellow. I’m perfectly capable of rousting out an undesirable and showing him the door.
“Here, trot off and find the RIGHT apple, won’t you?” SNORK!!
Christina, I don’t think parents are teaching there children to say there please and thank you anymore. I know every now again I have to remind my child to say please and thank you, even my husband. My belief is if you want your children to say please and thank you, you have to be willing to say those words too.
Melody, I agree with you 100% on that! Our children copy us most often, don’t they? Thanks for the comment!
Melody, it starts with the parents, doesn’t it?!?! So true!!
Christina
I totally agree with you the world is losing its manners and it is very sad, we were bought up to respect other people and always be helpful and polite and I bought my kids up the same and they are endevoring to do the same with their children but somehow other children aren’t so well mannered and often my grandchildren will look at me and say they didn’t please of thank you so they notice as well.
I was in a queue last wekend waiting fo a shop to open and the pushing and shoving that went on trying to get in was awful I was so shocked by it.
I think we need to go back to the old days where manners and respect were just natural
Have Fun
Helen
I’m with you Helen. A return to manners! You know, though, I think that the popularity of historical romance, and shows like Downton Abbey are proof that many would like to see that return to excellent civility. :>
My kids notice too, btw. My older son’s a bit of a “white knight” and the other day, he stepped up to an elderly lady whom two children had rudely bumped, and knocked off balance, asked her if she was all right, them apologized for the other kids’ behaviour!
I couldn’t help but beam with pride for the rest of the day. *beeeeaaaam* Still doing so, in fact. :>
Jeanne
That is just fantastic I would be so proud and I am sure that my children would always be there to help as well
Have Fun
Helen
Helen, I so agree. We have lost a lot of constraints that were bad from the old days–never questioning things and always doing what our parents wanted instead of following our passions, etc. But with all that freedom, we seem to have thrown out any kind of constraint. I’m appalled when I see elderly people standing on a train while teenagers sit there playing on their iPods and making far too much noise.
I agree with your post very much, Christina! What happened to manners? My daughter is fairly good at saying thank you and please and even Yeah, sure!
One pet peeve I have is phone courtesy. My mother taught my sisters and me to pick up the phone and say, using our own names, “Nielsens’ residence, this is Debbie speaking.” I’ve shortened it for our house because of some societal strangeness, but I’ve taught my daughter to say, “Hello, Hinshaws’.”
I do have a poster in my classroom that tells the students to remember to say
“please” and “thank you”, but know that my teachers never had to have such reminders because we were brought up to say these words.
Just a side note….My husband is also old-school, due to his father having been in the Air Force and he, himself, having been in the Navy. He still says, “Yes, sir.” “Yes, ma’am.”, etc. to persons who may be older than he.
Oh, I love that, Deb! And yes, children shouldn’t need reminding.
Debbie, my children are always doing the yes sir and yes ma’am. :> I was raised that you always respect your elders, even if they’re only your elder by a few years. So, most people get the yes, ma’am treatment from my two.
Grins. Their teachers always comment, on their quarterly reports, that my boys show good manners. Whew!!
I must admit I only tend to get telemarketers calling me on the land line these days so I’ve learned not to say my name, as I used to. If you give them your name they suddenly start acting as if they know you and it takes longer to tell them you’re not interested in what they’re selling.
Great log post, Christina!
I hate to admit it, but I don’t find rudeness with children in as much as their parents! My four kids are all mostly grown, but the highest level of rudeness I ever encountered was at their sporting events!
Sports parents exhibited such rudeness and bad sportsmanship that I was amazed–and saddened!
It seems to me that a definite sense of rudeness and entitlement has pervaded our society, perhaps it’s simply more obvious in the children.
Imagine a member of congress interrupting a president’s speech, calling him a liar? Ridiculous! He should have been fired immediately! A simple apology never should have sufficed.
It’s not that people haven’t been TAUGHT manners –I believe they KNOW the right thing to do and simply disregard it.
It’s a lack of consideration I find shocking. Is it technology that encourages the rudeness and entitlement? Being able to be in constant contact? Do cell phones, ipods, blogs and such give people a distorted sense of their own importance?
Is it the instant gratification that make people are unable to deal with frustrations?
Theresa, I was SO appalled by that! Respect the office if not the man in it. I happen to respect both, but even when we’ve had congresspeople or presidents I didn’t like, the office is due respect, even if the occupant ISN’T! Ha!
I think you may have hit on some of it – the constant contact. And the ability to “anonymously” say just what you think. For instance, some of the reviews for books are just evil-rude. If you don’t like it DON’T READ IT, and don’t denigrate someone’s hard work. Just set it aside and move on. Sheeesh.
I haven’t gotten to the review stage of writing yet, myself, but I can’t believe people would actually write horrible reviews. To what point?
Really, what’s to be gained by running down somebody’s book? If you didn’t like it, why spend the effort on writing a review?
A review is just one person’s opinion. A viperous review would simply serve to hurt the author’s feelings. IS the reader so arrogant that she thinks she’s going to teach the author something? I don’t understand.
Evidently, Theresa, some of these folks think they CAN teach the writer a thing or two. Sigh. as you said, what’s the point? Most are just trying to be know-it-all-better-than-yous and all they really do is showcase the content of their character. :> To about a million Amazon folks, so….
Theresa, I think you’d be very shocked if you saw the Australian parliament in action! If our leaders behave so rudely, you do wonder what hope there is for the rest of the nation.
I agree that facebook and this ‘reality TV’ instant fame syndrome seems to fill people with their own self-importance. I also see time and again, people using bad manners to get ahead. It so often works, so why not?
I think the base of all this is because today’s culture is teaching us Entitlement. We should have things even though we don’t earn them, and we should have them NOW; who cares what others want or need? Watch just about any half-hour of TV or a movie and you’ll see this mind-set clearly defined. We sit in front of a TV and this is the lesson we soak up. Add to that the lesson that “the rude guy is the cool guy and he gets the best stuff and never has to wait, especially if he has a gun,” and you got trouble right here in River City. It’ll take a major shift in what people are given to watch in order to change things.
Boy Carol, I think I must agree with you. It’s sad to say, but studying popular TV shows surely shows a decline in society’s moral and kindness factor.
Although the success of Downton Abbey perhaps heralds a swing the other way????
I”m with you, ladies! And Theresa, I’m crossing my fingers and hoping so, on the Downton Abbey point. :>
Carol, you and Theresa make excellent points. I must admit I often see the way people are rewarded for rude behaviour and it absolutely burns me. But I’m sure others look and say, well if he can do it, so can I.
Oh, so much to say, where to start….
On the restaurants, yes, it was a big treat for us and still is. I hate going to restaurants, spending decent money, and sitting next to people who won’t discipline their kids!
When I first started working at my current school 8 years ago, I’d never met such polite students! They held the doors, said please and thank you, yes ma’am and no ma’am. Now they’ll race to the door to get there ahead of you. Grrr. On some levels it’s the parents, but I think the teachers need to have a big part of it, too. WhenI was in elementary a million years ago, we had a “Good Manners banquet,” a special meal in the cafeteria, and we learned certain behaviors. I don’t remember exactly now, but I think that would be a good thing to try.
As for the deportment, this summer my stepmother was upset with the casual way her future daughter-in-law was addressing her wedding invitations. I have to admit to being puzzled–I don’t know the correct way myself, and I’m quite a lot older than her daughter-in-law.
Hey MJ! I too think it rests mostly with the parents. As someone else said, I’ve been appalled at what parents are willing to let their children do. :> Teachers reinforce, surely, but the parents HAVE to start it.
MJ, I suppose teachers might have some responsibility too and if a certain standard is kept and enforced in a school, it tends to carry through. My sons’ school has a creed they say every week and it’s always brought home to them if they misbehave that they are not following the creed they promised to uphold. I’ve noticed that insisting on a uniform and wearing it properly seems to have a good effect on behaviour, too. As for wedding invitations, I suppose it doesn’t matter too much. My mother is a stickler for these things, but that’s one of those traditions of ettiquette that is almost meaningless.
A very interesting post… and so very true as well. So, I’m not the only one noticing this in the ‘What-do-you-want?’ generation of kids today who give you a listless expression when you ask them about manners; as though you’re speaking Latin or some other dead language to them.
I have lived in Brisbane, Australia all my life and we have turned into a mob of yobbos… seriously. I was brought up to be a polite and with my P’s and Q’s all in the right places. But when I was around 12, I remember meeting Deidre Hall at Garden City. It took a bit of doing to get to the front of a mob of housewives, but – being small has its good parts. I squeezed through a small group of biker-like people, saying excuse me as I did, and one laughed and said: ‘What did you fart?’, I turned and replied, “Yep, I hope it stinks!” before they could react, I kept running through the crowd.
Otherwise, I have found that I’ll be polite and kind to people… no matter who they are. I’ll say sir and ma’am or miss to people while I do something for them. But the minute anyone’s rude to me, I’ll tell them where to get off in the foulest language they’re likely to hear come out of my mouth – they thought I was going to be a doormat, think again…
However, I have also found that if you use your manners, you attract good people to you, doors open for you, opportunities show up and you live a world where things happen because you’re a good, kind, sweet person.
The one thing I have found is that I can be the nicest person around – and the rudest one as well – depending on how I’m treated. I treat people how I’d like to be treated; and if I’m stood on by those people, I end up being as rude them as they are to me. Sure, it lowers me to their level, but also gives them a taste of what they are like.
I’ve recently done this to my cousin on Facebook. In March, I broke a toe. A few weeks into the healing process, I went for a longer walk than my foot would allow me to and I was back at square one again. I put it up as my status and she told me to ‘suck it up’ and that she had broken foot that she was walking on at work… then went into a big rant about that and how much it hurt. I deleted her comment and took her off my friends list. After that, she stopped talking to me. However, that’s not the affect I wanted, what I hoped for was for her to come to me and yell… the rest of her family have talked to her and told her that she’s far to harsh on people and for me to unfriend her from Facebook – a relative – that says a lot about how she treats people; which isn’t very well.
As for me? Well, I can take her or leave her. I have tried to talk to her but she hardly says a word to me.
You make a really great point here about the Law of Attraction. When you are kind and considerate, it often attracts good people to you!
Instead of treating people the way they deserve to be treated, I’ve found something far less easy to do, but often more effective and that is “killing people with kindness”.
I believe that it’s harder to treat people rudely when they are being nice to you. Treating people with consideration when they don’t deserve it not only elevates you, but it brings peer pressure into play.
Maybe it’s manipulative, but treating people kindly when they don’t deserve it makes the contrast in the behaviors that much more obvious, hence making people more likely to support the good behavior person.
And the mean part of me say that treating a person well who doesn’t deserve it will frustrate and annoy them that much more.
Just something to think about.
Bingo, THeresa! And if that’s manipulation, I”m all for it!
Bwahahahah!
I think this is so dead-on target, Theresa.
I was actually taught this by an aunt of mine…that you don’t get rude with people who are rude with you. But I find it very hard to do now.
I think when life kicks you around a little, you an get to the point–if you let yourself–where you just start reacting in a knee-jerk way. And I’d prefer to NOT do that.
This all said, when you ARE an “always kind” person, and you do finally let fly, people’s mouths fall open and it does tend to have a startling effect.
And yes, I found this out as a young woman, from personal experience. When I finally had enough, people were afraid of me. *grin*
Mozette, I think you were right to get her out of your computer! I never keep people around who make me feel bad. Life is too short!
Agree about like attracting like. I’m always so flabbergasted when someone is rude to me that I never think of the right response until the next day. LOL
Oh! Isn’t that always the way? But I’ve learned to think ahead since I’ve become a serious writer… and it’s something I’ve become accustomed to doing. Whenever I’m around anyone young, it’s good to be on my toes – to have a smart quip ready – just in case I need it. Most times I don’t.
Most times when somebody treats me badly though, I don’t say anything to them… I creep them out and just smile before walking away.
Great post, Christina. I to had manners drummed into me by my parents and did so to my kids. I hate to see both adults and kids acting so impolite. But there is hope. There are still some parents like you and me.
The other day there was a little knock on my door. I looked out to see two kids that couldn’t have been more than 5-6. I opened the door and the little boy said he was sorry that he had thrown some trash over my fence and needed to go pick it up. I looked over and his mother and a friend were standing there arms crossed and looking irritated. I opened the fence for them and the mother came over and thanked me for opening the gate. She was determined to see them do the right thing.
Every time I see my son hold a door open for someone, I smile. I’m not sure why people think it’s so tough to teach manners to kids. Maybe it’s because they don’t have them either.
Grins, I love that, Christie! Go, MOMS!!!
My sons learned early on that they got such adulation for holding doors – especially from the ladies! – that they now race to do so. It gets some surprised looks from people who assume that they’re racing ahead to be rude. Then the boys turn and hold the door. Love that. :>
Hey, Christie, I love the story about the boy with the trash. Priceless! I bet he learned his lesson because it’s so scary to knock on a stranger’s door and confess. It sounds from this blog today that there is hope, after all, as long as we parents are willing to do our part.
I would love to go into detail about how I’ve witnessed really bad manners over here, but I don’t want to go into too much detail. I honestly believe that the rudest people, and worst drivers live where I live. I’ve had people queue jump in front of me a few times. Now, I don’t stand for it, and make sure that I let them know what they’ve done, and make them take their rightful place in the queue.
Another thing that really annoys me is when I go to the Post Office and there’s a long line. The counter clerk is busy chatting with a customer in their foreign tongue, ignorant of us standing line. Yep. this happened to me yesterday. I stood for 15 minutes whilst they chatted, and to my horror, the customers’ didn’t even buy anything. They walked away with an envelope (which I watched the woman go over to the wall and collect). They then left the Post Office. The counter clerk then had the nerve to ask me how I was doing. As much as I wanted to mention to him about keeping us all waiting whilst he chatted with his friends, I had to bite my tongue from saying anything, This would never happen in England. They would move you along and take the next customer in line.
I hardly ever hear anybody say “please” or “thank you”, with children being the worst offenders.
Well, I’d better get off my soap box now.
Diane, I think you could probably envision all of us nodding and agreeing! My Post Office branch has a very vigilant manager who doesn’t allow that sort of thing, but I’ve seen it happen a lot!
Oh, that is absolutely one of my pet peeves, too! Or when one shop assistant comes over to ask the one putting my purchases through the register for help with something and she drops my stuff to go into a long explanation about something that could clearly wait. Makes me furious!
Well, I worked in civil service and believe me, the public is not civil. I’ve also worked as a receptionist… sheesh, speak up and enunciate please!! and don’t be using your other phone while talking with me!!
Among the staff at a couple of jobs, we’d occasionally indicate that someone would need to ‘go to charm school’ as an indication that the person was consistently rude to almost everyone encountered!
Maybe I should open a restaurant where the door sign states that not only do you have to wear Shoes & Shirts but that rude people well be asked to leave.
Ohhh, Cate, that would be SUCH a lovely place to dine….
Cate, love that expression about needing to go to Charm School! There used to be lawyers in firms where I worked who were legendary for their fits of temper with their staff. I loathe people who think it’s ok to be rude to someone they thing beneath them.
Hey Christina! Great post!
I’ve obviously got my opinion about all of this, don’t I? Hahah!
The worst to me, is parents who – after I’ve expressly told their children NOT to call me by my Christian name – tell them it’s okay. No, it is NOT okay for your child to run around calling me “Jeanne” when they are 6. Mrs. Adams, Miss Adams if they can’t manage the Mrs.. I’m fine with Mrs. Jeanne if they’re close to my children, but if I’ve just met you, don’t give your children permission to disobey my wishes in my own house. And if I’ve told my children to call you Ms. Christina, by golly they WILL. It’s a term of respect!! C’mon people!
My kids have learned that even if the other adult has said, “Oh, just call me Meredith,” they better not do it in MY hearing. Grins.
My eldest and a friend were talking about their coach the other day. The other boy called him Dave. My son called him Coach Dave. The boy asked him why. My son replied, “Because if I call him Just Dave, my mom will holler in here, ‘That’s Coach Dave to you, son’ so it just saves time to do it in the first place.”
Grins. My work here is going well. (Never done!)
Jeanne is not kidding.
I think of her kids, kind of, as “mine” cuz I don’t have any to root for in their endeavors, and I’ve told them both, at least once, that it’s okay to call me Cassondra, but they persist in calling me Miss Cassondra, and even when Jeanne isn’t around. It’s become habit for them, I think, which is not a bad thing at all.
You’re so right, it’s an ongoing process, isn’t it Jeanne. I’m going to be right there making sure my boys treat their girlfriends with respect, too, even when they’re in their twenties!
My mother was exactly the same about calling people Mr. and Mrs. So much so that when I got to university it took me a long time to learn to call the lecturers by their first names. They’d look at you strangely if you didn’t.
Christina, I love this post.
I’ve thought a lot about this very subject. I was taught manners when growing up, but they were pretty much the very basics…please, thank you, and how to behave and not point out people’s differences the way children tend to do. I was not taught any of the social niceties like RSVP or appropriate formal dinner mechanisms. So…when I was 15, I set about learning them on my own. I have no idea where the drive came from–maybe I saw a movie with formal stuff going on, or maybe I encountered a situation in which I didn’t know what was appropriate, and “little Miss Must-Be-Perfect” was gonna fix that, yaknow.
So I checked out “Amy Vanderbilt’s guide to Etiquette and Entertaining” from the library. It was about 500 (thin) pages long, and I read every one of them about 18 times. I rechecked that book from the library for a year.
I’ve forgotten a lot of it, but I could get through a dinner with eight forks if I needed to. *SNORK*
The thing is, that what I TRULY learned from all of that, was a sense of WHY we have manners. WHY we introduce people in a certain order to one another…even if it’s unspoken, I saw the overall effect was to save people’s feelings and ensure everyone has a level of comfort in going about activities.
And it’s very interesting to me that despite that, people find ways to hack and spit at one another “underneath” all that. Especially women. Every now and then I think, “it’d be better if we weren’t so civilized and just had it out.” But I don’t think that’s true.
And I don’t know why parents don’t think those things are necessary any more. I don’t run into a lot of rude people, but I do run into a lot of “I’m the only one who matters, and I’m the most important one here so it’s okay to cut line or do whatever I want,” attitude.
I suspect we’ll see more of it in the future too, based on the new crop of kids.
Wow….eight forks…..*visualizing*
Not sure I could do that!
Cassondra, I think it helps to know so that you never feel uncomfortable in any situation. Obviously you have a lot of personal drive. I don’t know if I could have survived 500 pages! When my dh was in Cambridge he was invited to dinner with Lady someone or other and she wrote him a lovely letter beforehand explaining the etiquette so he would know what to do. Some might scoff at that but imagine being in the midst of it all and not knowing you’re not suppposed to talk across the table, and for the first course you talk to the person on your left, etc. She also explained why she did things this way. I thought it was charming, although I wouldn’t want to live like that.
I totally agree with your. I hate to say this, but I do blame the parents. Too many wanted to be friends and not parents. There are a million excuses out there for why no one has the time any more but I feel that’s a cop out. It seems people feel entitled and it’s their right to say or do whatever they want. Not enough consequences. And it has nothing to do with rich, poor or middle class. It’s everywhere. A little thing that bothers me is when people don’t know how to hold a knife and fork – surely, that isn’t so hard to teach!
Catslady you are so right about parents not being friends. That is the problem with the most obnoxious teenagers I know. Their parents try to be cool and in so doing allow them a lot of freedom. It doesn’t do their characters any good!
Christina you have hit on one of my biggest pet peeves… I cannot abide bad manners. Both spoken and especially table manner. They call me the Manners Police in my family.. I am always at the kids to eat with their mouths closed.
Don’t talk with food in your mouth… And for goodness sake don’t shovel the food into yoru mouth like it is going to be your last meal..
Another rant about the young people today is they hang around the little mall where I go each day to some shopping and the library and such.. They hang aroud in group and do not move out of the way and laugh and snicker when I would say “Pardon Me could you please let me by”. And the language they use, don’t even get me started…
If I heard any of the kids related to me or even that I know using this kind of language I would wash their mouths out with soap..
I am sure that some mother’s and father’s do teach their children good manners, and I also blame the school board for not letting teachers disipline them more in this…
My mom and dad taught us, and so did any other adult in our lives to use are please and thank yous and always to respect our elders. Even if we didn’t like some of them…
Oh and another thing I detest is when they boys where there hats or baseball caps in the house… I am trying to teach this to my nephews, when you enter someones house you take off your hat..
Okay I think I have that all out of my system now… Thanks for letting me get it off my chest..
Hear, hear, Kathleen! My boys know the baseball cap rule – and no cleats in the house! – but so many don’t remember that anymore. It’s really weird.
And the language thing? OMGosh. I have a standing rule in my house that you don’t take the Lord’s name in vain. So, no “OMG!!!” – especially if you’re under the age of 25 and don’t really know what you’re saying. I’m so adamant about it that now all my sons’ friend know and there’s a lot of “Oh, my Go…..sh!” going on. Hahahah!
At least they’re willing to abide by it.
And the foul language? YIKES!!! My Mama washed my mouth out for dammit, much less what I hear some people saying just walking down the street.
Wish they didn’t let people use the F-word and the C-word and so many other foul bits in music. That’s where my sons pick it up and hear it most. Eldest son loves HipHop music and there’s SO much language in the songs that the “clean” versions are just all chopped up and useless. Irks the crap out of me. :>
No arguments here, Kathleen! I am a stickler for table manners, but then my parents were, too.
“don’t shovel the food into yoru mouth like it is going to be your last meal” LOL I”m still trying to get that through to my 5yo.
As for teenagers, I find them scary for the most part. I don’t get them and I’m not looking forward to when mine are that age.
What a great post, Christina! And I certainly agree that good manners have gone the way of the dinosaur. (I would say gone to the dogs, but my dogs are better behaved than most people’s children these days!)
I will say my niece and nephews have wonderful manners, but as others have said they are considered something of a novelty because of their good manners. My brothers and I were raised by an Air Force sergeant and a Southern Belle so we had no choice but to have good manners! LOL And my brothers have passed this on to their children and stepchildren.
We all learned to respond to gifts, dinners and overnight stays in the homes of others with hand-written thank you notes. Apparently that is something of a phenomena.
I went to an all-girls college for my undergraduate degree. Deportment and manners were a HUGE part of the curriculum. Table manners, formal dinners, proper dress and all the trappings of proper etiquette. It is sad to see that sort of thing go by the wayside.
Louisa, I think we might have to be satisfied with a simple please and thank you these days. The finer points of etiquette have certainly gone by the wayside and I don’t know whether they’ll ever be revived. Maybe we need a series on the scale of Twilight to bring good manners back into fashion!
Miss Manners Meets Dracula. Now there’s an idea for a series!
Snork! May I please suck your blood??
Oy–this is a topic of conversation at our house for sure. DH and I have been drumming in the basics for years, and I have to admit that it is a true pleasure indeed to hear other adults say, “your child was so polite” when the child’s been with them. And amusingly, DS1 (who’s 11) notices now when other people might not be demonstrating politeness–I tell him, “well, it took more than 10 years for some of those lessons to take hold in you, and maybe that person’s parents aren’t as persistent or aren’t around to do the nagging”… I do miss manners!
It’s lovely when other people notice, isn’t it? And then you think it shouldn’t be such an amazing phenomenon, really, should it? My poor 5yo gets stomped on when he’s at the playground. Everyone pushes ahead of him. He’s never first in line for anything. He said to me the other day, “I’m courteous. Why can’t those big kids be courteous too?” Good question!
A very timely post, especially since summer and hot weather can often make good manners melt. One thing we seem to have lost in modern society was the Regency idea that “polite manners” meant having the other person’s comfort and feelings in mind. It wasn’t just a mindless “please” and “thank you,” although, of course, those words were said. It was also taking the trouble to think of what would “please” another person, so that their “thank you” after a supper or visit was truly meant.
May we all have the joy of encountering polite and pleasing people during our day.
Jolie