 Is It Okay To Lie? Posted by Tawny Weber Jan 14 2012, 3:45 am Liar Liar, Pants on Fire! That saying makes me shudder. I’m really not a fan of lying. Growing up, I was exposed to a lot of vices. Of all of them, lying is the one that always seemed to bother me most. Recently my daughters and I were with friends talking about our favorite Disney movies. Someone mentioned Pinocchio and my girls shook their head and said, “Mom wouldn’t let us watch that.” The looks I got! What a mean mom, right? But to me, the message of that movie was the payoffs of lying. Yeah, yeah, I know there were other messages, but that was the one that always came to mind. And it’s not like there aren’t a ton of other Disney movies to love and watch (interestingly, we But guess saying I’m not a fan of lying is putting it mildly. Clearly I have an issue with lying. So writing the Undercover Operatives series, especially SEX, LIES AND MIDNIGHT, was an interesting challenge. Because people are lying in every book. And in MIDNIGHT, they are both lying –to each other, and to everyone else. The entire premise of the story is built around a con artist father who wants his children home, and lies to make that happen. Talk about an interesting writing journey – and proof that we writers I was able to justify, dance around, rationalize, excuse… you pick the word *g* Basically, to accept the lying theme my characters had to explore by understanding their motivations. Hey- the FBI was involved in all of the cases, someone was undercover in each one, and –this one’s the kicker– they were doing it for someone else’s good. Ahh, the lie for someone else’s good. Otherwise known as the Little White Lie. You know the ones…
They’re always said with the best intentions. Usually in hopes of NOT hurting someone’s feelings. Or of making them feel better when they are down on themselves. Or, you know, to perpetuate a long-standing, well-loved, present bringing tradition. In writing these books, I came to realize that my need to make people feel better- to not hurt their feelings -trumped my issues with lies. And clearly my character’s were pretty comfy with the whole thing So what do you think? Are white lies okay? Under any circumstances, under certain circumstances, or never ever ever? Do you have a problem reading characters who are pretty much lying all over the place (ahem, including bed – or is that laying?) Is it okay if the reasons for the lies are strong, or it’s job related? Or is it never, ever okay?
Tweet Posted in Sex Lies and Midnight, Tawny Weber Comments67 thoughts on “Is It Okay To Lie?” |
  
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) 
Is he coming to my place
Have Fun
Helen
Helen, congrats on the bird! I hope he’ll stay out of the Tim Tams.
Woot – go Helen
Congrats snagging such a lovely guest for the day!
Hey Tawny,
I guess there are times when lying is okay. There are instances when lying might have prevented hysteria or keep a person from feeling sad or hurting someone’s feelings.
Oh yeah! Preventing hysteria is always a priority. And it’s so hard to give an answer that you just *know* will hurt someone’s feelings. I do hate hurting feelings
Well looks like he is and it is really cool and rainy here in Sydney again today I think summer has past us by altogether this year LOL.
Tawny
My Mum taught us growing up that the lie is worst than the deed and that you should always be honest and tell the truth, and that is pretty much how I am but in saying that I am sure I have told people a little white lie so as to not hurt their feelings I really don’t like to hurt peoples feelings. I also believe that if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all but that is hard when someone asks a question I f I can get out of answering I will
As for reading stories where the characters are lying depends on the reasons and of course when we get to the HEA and all the truths come out there has been a good reason for lying and everyone is very forgiving.
Have Fun
Helen
In the spirit of Disney (as it’s top of my mind now *g*) I always loved it when Marie from the Aristocats quoted, “Momma said, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”
It’s a belief I wish more people held. I’ve so often seen people spout off just for the sake of ‘telling it like it is’. But ‘like it is’ usually hurts someone, and is so often something that could have been said more diplomatically or didn’t even need voiced.
So… yeah
That’s one of my favorite sayings.
well done Helen
I was taught not to lie and like Helen ….I might tell a little (very little) so as not to hurt someones feelings ….. I always like to treat people as I like them to treat me……as far as books go as long as there is a HEA and not too big a lie I can cope with that
Barb, I agree! I think the Golden Rule is a really great value to live by. Treating others the way we want to be treated falls under the Law of Attraction, too – because the energy, attitude and words we put out into the world will hopefully attract back to us the same type of energy, attitude and words
Hmm, not too big a lie? Do you think Simon being undercover and lying to Maya about who he was is too big? I did worry about that, but hoped the motivation of it being his job, and the bigger goal of arresting someone he saw as a major criminal would balance that
FWIW, Simon’s deceit didn’t bother me. He had a duty to keep the truth to himself and had no way to know whether she would accidentally or deliberately betray him to her father, his target.
We were just discussing this at dinner tonight as my youngest son is finishing up his Webelos requirements to bridge over to Boy Scouts.
While on the topic of “telling the truth”, I told my children that they must tell me the truth, even if my pants look awful. But they must not say the blatant truth to anyone else about “fat pants” or other such circumstances.
I suggested they answer with, “You seem to like the color so enjoy them.” Not quite a false statement with no hurt feelings.
Ahhhh, diplomacy
Kim, what a brilliant point! I do think we can toe that honestly line and not hurt feelings in a lot of circumstances with a little creative thinking when we respond.
I have to admit that when I was growing up, I did have those teenaged years where I turned into the compulsive liar… yep, I was the worse kid around. This led to about 20 years of my folks not believing a thing that came out of my mouth… until I recently blew up at them and told them to grow the hell up or I’d stop talking to them.
My older brother had a chat with them telling them that when I was in high school, I wanted to go to the big parties, tried to be popular and was asked out by the popular bad-boys of school. However, I didn’t go the parties because Mum and Dad never allowed me, I was never popular because if I tried out for one group, they wanted me to disown the other people I had become friends with (how dumb was that?) and the guys I wanted to go out with were popular, but they were also jailbait (in my parent’s eyes). So, seeing my brother got a great schooling life and he enjoyed himself immensely – and I didn’t – I began to lie through my teeth to my parents. I tried to run away, took up smoking and turned into the equivalent of Suzie Quatro but I was going to high school. I was a smart-ass to the teachers too and never went to detention when I was given it (which was most days).
So, lying doesn’t get you anywhere – unless you’re a writer and that’s what we do all the time.
When I changed my religion from being a Uniting Church to a pagan, I found out that telling the truth was one thing that was big on the agenda. And so, it began. I started telling the truth; this was about 17 years ago. Now, I rarely lie to anyone; unless it’s to protect them.
And wouldn’t you believe it? I’ve met a man who I can’t lie to.. if I even attempt it, I stammer and stutter and screw it right up… now, that’s a great start to our friendship and relationship (and yes, somebody tested me out with it recently and were amazed how bad I have it for him.
). Now, when you can find a guy like that – who can pull the truth out of you by just being around you – that’s a great thing.
Mozette, it sounds like truth is one of your life lessons, and one you’ve really embraced. A great guy who means a lot to you sounds like a fab reward for embracing truth over lies
And yes, I think that from a spiritual standpoint, our words have energy. We have to be careful what we put out there, as it will come back.
Well that is a deep subject for a Saturday morning……
I do lie, I hate to hurt peoples feelings, I get as close to the truth as I can without doing damage to feelings and sometimes egos. I go along with Kim, find a good point and stick with it. The color is great on you (not those pants look great). That hair style highlights your eyes (not, it is so short there is no style), you get the picture I am sure.
At work?
“There are no stupid questions, only stupid answers…..
” I have trouble with that issue too, you just have to stick it out and don’t let it get you down.”
“You’re working too hard, you can get it done without that much detail.” (this to the peeps that get lost in details)
No, I don’t like lying but I don’t like causing hurt even more.
As to my reading, no, if the characters are lying it is part of the story and it wouldn’t be the same story if they didn’t.
Hey, I’m nothing if not deep *ggg*
Another vote for diplomacy over lying
You’re so right, Dianna. There are almost always ways to answer without answering.
Great work list! All of those responses encourage the person to feel good about themselves, without lying.
Whew! Glad the lying isn’t a story issue. I do think we have to put our characters into situations that force them to face things like lying, especially if it pushes their emotional conflict and makes for a really good story LOL
If I ever think it’s going to be a stupid question if other people’s eyes, I always start off with: ‘This may sound like a stupid question; but in my life, there’s not such thing:…’ then others understand where I’m coming from. And a lot of the times they laugh and say it’s not a stupid question.
But then, I’ve heard the quote: ‘There’s no such thing as a stupid question, just an unasked question.’… I was given that one when I started working at my first job, so that I felt better about asking basic questions; and that was from my boss Alex… he was so good to me.
I am so glad I’m not the only one who thought the message in Pinocchio was the benefits of lying-my kids haven’t seen it either.
However, that being said, Once when I was out with my mom, we saw a lady who had on a coat that you could tell was well loved. The lady looked sad, shoulders slumped, looking down, shuffling steps. So I stopped her to tell her how beautiful her caot was. She walked away with a smile and her head up. My mom looked at me like I was nuts, I told her that I didn’t care for it, but she obviously loved it.
So, while I don’t condone it, sometimes a little white lie doesn’t hurt.
Di
Di, I’m glad you saw the lying theme, too
I think that’s such a sweet example of how a simple comment can make such a difference to someone! I’ll bet it made her feel beautiful to hear the compliment.
Oh my – growing up, I learned that lying was a sin! The punishment for lying was MUCH worse than telling the truth. So my values were always tell the truth.
Then I married my husband. Who’s mantra is:
It’s better to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission.
Now my manta is:
What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander
It seems to work for us, unless I’m REALLY mad, then he has to hide for a few days, LOL.
ROFL Gena
Things must stay lively in your house!!! Those are some fun mantras!!!
White lies are a necessity when dealing with social situations, otherwise, if you say what you really feel, people are going to ostracize you, but by framing it in a way that doesn’t commit you kind of makes it less than lying. For instance, co-worker brings their newborn baby in, it looks like a raisin, am I going to say “oh, he looks all wrinkly like a raisin” or “oh, isn’t he precious?” Forming it as a question doesn’t necessarily mean I think he is precious, its a question…not my problem they took it as a statement. As for the pants that makes your friend look fat…by focusing on the actual pants rather than on how they look on her, “aren’t those cute?” As for the tofu casserole – not necessarily a lie if it is the only tofu casserole you’ve ever had!
LOL Wendy
Great points! Especially using a question to sidestep making an actual statement.
And really, all babies are precious simply by virtue of being babies, so that’s the perfect response!
Well, my kids never watched Pinocchio either but that’s mainly because it’s not one of my favorites *g* And I have to point out, as someone who watched Aladdin at least one hundred times, he lied about being a prince
I’m big on the truth but I had no problem with any of the stories or lies in your Undercover Ops series. All the books are fabulous and the characters have great motivation for telling those lies.
And the heroes are super sexy
Just speaking the truth here!
Ahhh, but the focus of Aladdin’s story wasn’t that one lie. It was that he was a street rat thief. So the lie, while there, was more a case of make believe because the Genie essentially made him into a prince (Prince of fakedom, but still….) *g* Or, you know, Aladdin was a lot cuter than Pinocchio, so it didn’t hit me as hard. Either or
I’m so glad you didn’t have a problem with the Undercover Ops books LOL. I’d feel horrid for making you read them so many times if you had! Even with the sexy heroes
Tawny, I’m also not in favor of lying in general. I’m with you, though, in preferring a fib to hurting someone’s feelings. Especially over a deed that’s done. Once the hair is cut, dissing the style does no good. The time to be honest about the effect of a garment ends when it leaves the store.
(Since you ask–in bed, it’s always lying, never laying, unless there’ll be an egg there when they leave the bed. *g*)
LOL, Nancy, that’s a hard one to get, isn’t it, because you may be lying in that bed today, but yesterday you lay around all day, not accomplishing a thing. Well, hardly anything *g*!
Most folks want to use “laid” in that “lay” place, but that’s incorrect.
LOL! Too true, Jo!
I lie in bed at times, I am lying in bed today, and I lay in bed last night.
I need to lay down my burdens, I am laying my burdens on your shoulders, I laid my burdens on your shoulders.
And let’s not forget, Tawny’s Simon didn’t like to lie to Maya, but he was lying to her when they met, and he lied to her thereafter.
The joys of English! I don’t think there’s any other set of words so confusing.
Okay -now that my eyes are crossing like they did in English class *g* I’ve got to ask.
If we know getting laid feels good, and we have proof that getting laid felt good, what do we do when we want to lay someone? I mean, that’s just all kinds of wrong.
LOL! I think the problem is that we tend to use words of four or five letters, instead of three, in the wanting to situation. *g*
Oh man, timing is everything, isn’t it, Nancy?!
I’d be more than happy to share my opinion of a haircut BEFORE the scissors do their work. After? It’s kind of pointless. You can’t glue it back on, right? Although I did tell my daughter when she went bleach blonde last year that we were waiting for her to change the color or for it to grow out before we did family portraits. My reason? Because the color of her hair would clash with my walls *g* Which is true. But really really, she’s got a complexion like Snow white (keeping with the Disney theme) and disappears without dark hair to contrast all that translucent skin.
I am not much on lying myself was taught not and to be honest, but sometimes a little while lie is for the best. It is better to hear a white lie sometimes then knowing the truth, depends on what it is
ooooh, great twist, Virginia.
Would we rather hear the truth (yes, your butt is as wide as a barge in those jeans) or hear a white lie (You don’t look fat, but those jeans don’t look good with your favorite boots. Why not wear the other ones).
Sometimes I think some writers can be gluttons for white lies. They want to hear only the good about their stories, especially when they are starting out, rather than receive honest criticism that makes them doubt themselves. To me, that’s an iffy white lie – because we can’t improve skills or fix story issues unless we know about them.
But when it comes to my jeans… Yeah, I think I’d take the white lie LOL
Provocative post, Tawny. It’s funny how we teach our children never to lie, but adults lie all the time, most of them without any compunction at all!
The polite lie seems acceptable in our society because otherwise we’d be mad at just about everyone we know and they’d be mad at us!
Sometimes a sugar-coated lie is the best option.
Oooh! Jo, that makes me thing of all the things we lecture and try to teach our children but don’t actually do ourselves.
I caught myself doing that last week, when my daughter and I were studying nutrition. I sidetracked into a lecture on body image and loving yourself, etc… Except the message lost a little impact when my daughter asked why I was always stressing about weight and getting upset and frustrated.
Sigh. I hate it when I’m caught so neatly like that.
I think it’s a shame sometimes that we feel we need to lie or sidestep responding because someone would get mad. But it’s a very real reality.
While I’m not a fan of lying (I have a very hard time reading stories where the characters are living lies), there are times when half-truth is far kinder. On the other hand, typically lying creates all kinds of trouble down the line–it’s just very hard to endorse having seen the kinds of convoluted situations people end up in that are just compounded by lies…
Ack, I know, Fedora!!! Isn’t life complicated enough, with it’s ever changing rules and scenarios, without adding something as avoidable as a complex web of lies to the mix.
I think white lies are ok if it saves someone from hurt feelings.
It’s never fun to hurt people’s feelings! I’m all for finding ways to avoid that
I’m not a fan of lying.. mostly because I figured out early that remembering all your lies is wayyy to difficult… However, that being said — which one of you is telling all those people in WalMart that those pants don’t make them look fat?
ROFLMAO Cate
Not me! But now I’m sure I’ll be looking closer AT those pants next time I visit Walmart.
And remembering? Ha – I have enough trouble remembering absolutes, like birthdays. I’d never be able to remember lies.
I’m quite sure I’ve told a white lie or two, mainly to protect another’s feelings. OUt and out lies are awfully hard to forgive. It’s hard to believe that person ever again.
My characters are most likely to employ lies of omission that actual saying a mistruth. It adds an interesting twist to the story. Are they liars if their intentions were to protect someone? Interesting question.
Ahhh, the lie of omission. Now is that really a lie if you simply don’t say anything. Kinda like the sidestep response of ‘Size? Why talk about size, sweetie, when we could be discussing how incredible your hands are.”
Is it a lie or not? Something to mull.
But I am always impressed with how complicated a lie of omission can make a story
They are often the best twists.
Tawny, actually I hate lies! Realy, really hate them. Probaly why you and I get along like a house on fire (unlike pants on fire!). My characters sometimes lie in the books but they always pay for it.
I think the paying for it part is critical, especially in a relationship story like a romance. Simon paid for deceiving Maya. Their HEA wouldn’t have been believable otherwise.
On White Collar, returning to USA Network Tuesday at 10, Neal will certainly pay big-time for deceiving Peter most of the summer.
So this is why we get along so great?
and I thought it was because you were really naughty. In contrast to me, of course 
I wonder if the payment for lying being a major part of the climax and story resolution is so dramatic because it’s yet another way we authors explore our own peeves (that sounds better than issues, doesn’t it?) and what we feel are the appropriate repercussions?
Or, you know, for any vice/issue – does the payment reflect our own feelings? Or is it only relevant to the story itself?
If it works in the story, I don’t mind. In real life, I am not a fan of lying. Of course exceptions are as you listed. I wouldn’t think of telling someone their baby is not cute or they were fat or things like that.
Hi Linda
I think sometimes I’m willing to give a lot more leeway to characters in a book than I am people in real life *g* So the lying isn’t quite as big a deal.
And omg I know -can you imagine telling someone their baby was ugly? It’s like begging a new mom to beat you in the face with a diaper bag!
A friend of mine made a remark one time about how cute my oldest grandson was and then added that he had went through a homely stage. I overlooked it because she is a longtime tactless friend but my daughter won’t speak to her anymore unless she has to.
Hmmm, interesting question and blog today, Tawny!
Is it okay to lie?
Does someone’s life depend on a lie being told? Say, a friend’s husband has beaten her terribly and I’ve hidden her somewhere safe? Yes, I’m going to lie like hell to keep him from knowing that I know where she is.
But on the whole I believe that the truth is always the best policy. There are times when I have to prepare a patient for bad news. I temper my words with as much compassion and tenderness as possible, but I don’t paint pictures of false hope.
I also find there is a way to instill confidence by not letting my own concern or panic show, especially in stressful or emergent situations. Had a patient tell me she wouldn’t have known by my face or voice that she was in trouble, but that my boss needed to learn to “play poker” with me because her face had trouble written all over it! hehehe
Oh wow, Suz! Way to take it to a whole higher level. I think I could justify a whole slew of things if someone’s life depended on it. Things that I’d never consider otherwise.
But as you say, when there are choices to be made and health information that has to be shared, compassion and a skill for keeping the panic at bay is the sign of an awesome nurse
Why am I not surprised this is something you’re really good at?!
Sometimes it is necessary to tell white lies to protect your loves ones etc…but only as long as they are not hurtful!
staniszeski3824@comcast.net
Not hurting others is a really solid reason to do something–or as you say, not to do something
I do think a little white lie can be okay, especially if it’s made so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings.
I hear ya, Christie
i think how very good of a lie although that is a white lie, the true is always a good one
I’m with you, Eli. The truth is always my first choice, too.
Hey, Tawny–
I’ll fully admit I’m not as honest as I’d like to be. It’s one of the things that attracts me to my husband. Where I would tell a knee-jerk social/white lie, he’ll just pony up the truth. And it almost always goes FINE & it’s so much less complicated than my way. So being around him is a constant reminder to be my best self, which is a good reason to marry somebody.
I”m not going to lie, though. It’s also damned annoying to always be the inferior individual in a relationship. However, I’m moving up, morally speaking. I have no comment on what he’s doing.
ROFL Susan
I’m sure he thinks your fabulous and that he has to live up to all your wonderfulness, too.
Lying is one of my pet peeves. But I will agree that a little white lie, when it prevents someone from being hurt, is okay.
As far as the Undercover Ops series goes….whatever they do, it’s all good. Especially your super sexy heroes! *g*
And I’m not surprised that we have similar pet peeves. I always knew you had good taste. And no, I’m not saying that just because you just said my heroes are sexy LOL
I can honestly say that I’ve told a white lie on more than one occasion. Occasions where telling the truth might just be my opinion and probably hurtful as well. I grew up with an uncle who was so opinionated that he often left people in tears. I don’t ever want to be like him.
However I don’t lie otherwise at all.
I liked your first two books in the Sex and Lies trilogy and didn’t find the lying parts distracting at all. It was fun waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Kaelee, I’ve known people like your uncle – they make the truth feel horrible. I had a boss like that once. It’s like he took pleasure in causing distress in the name of honesty. And so often, it’s when their opinion wasn’t even asked for!
Wooot! So glad you liked the first two books
And even gladder that the lies created anticipation!! Thanks 
There are lies and then there are LIES. Lies told solely for the benefit of the liar are LIES & the kind I don’t tolerate . Lies told solely for the benefit of the listener are lies & much more acceptable.
I also know people who are so focused on not telling a lie that they are unkind with the truth. That is neither helpful or right in my book.
drainbamaged.gyzmo at gmail.com
Kathryn, first off I have to say that your email addy made me giggle. Love it
Great distinction between types of lies. As with almost everything, it all comes down to motivation, doesn’t it.
And yeah, the truth just for the sake of being honest can often be just as damaging and much more hurtful than a white lie. Or better yet, than just saying nothing
Some lies are necessary, unless you want to totally crush someone. In general the truth is the better option.