 Guest Author Sarah M. Anderson on Vanilla Sex Posted by Kate Carlisle Jul 4 2012, 12:05 am I’m excited to welcome my fellow Desire author Sarah M. Anderson back to the Lair! To celebrate the July 4th holiday, Sarah will discuss that great patriotic subject, SEX!
Vanilla sex has been getting a lot of attention recently, what with that book (you know, that book) supposedly showing the world that some people may have sex that’s not in the missionary position. Gasp! So now that the media has beaten us all over the head with exciting, new, condescending terms (I’ll deck the first person who calls my Desires “Mommy Porn” and then, just to be sure, I’ll kick them when they’re down) that indicate just how Very Very Shocked we all are that some people enjoy non-traditional sex, what are we left with? Vanilla sex. You know, instead of sex that requires whips or chains or—for the really erotic stuff—legally binding contracts, just regular, everyday sex. The kind people have when they’ve been married for, oh, I don’t know, any time longer than a year.
How far can you go and still be able to call your sex ‘vanilla’? Once upon a time, there was the missionary position. Man-on-top, woman-on-her-back. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I think it’s pretty much the definition of vanilla sex. Everyone seems able to accomplish this one position without needing a starter manual. At some point, some enterprising people thought, hey, why does the guy always have to be on top? What if we were to get wild and reverse that? I’m sure that, at the time, that was considered Really Out There, but now it’s pretty vanilla, too. Then there’s what’s called ‘doggie style,’ or from behind. (Personally, the phrase ‘doggie style’ is a close second to ‘mommy porn’ in terms of how fast it can lead to my eyelid involuntarily twitching). This can go a bunch of different ways, from spooning (usually quiet sweet) to, well, much, much hotter. The nice thing about this position is that it lends itself to a bunch of different surfaces. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. But now we have erotica and porn (and no, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME THING) and suddenly everyone’s pushing all sorts of limits. Reverse Cowgirl? Sure! (Yes, I had to look that one up. That’s a sure sign that you’re old/married, when you don’t know the latest sexual slang.) Ménage? If you like! Backdoor? Um, okay? BDSM? I guess? And thus, we come to the definition of Vanilla Sex: The kind of sex that you are comfortable having, receiving, and giving on a regular, long-term basis. It’s the kind of sex that never makes you feel nervous or awkward (well, usually, anyway), hardly ever requires special accessories, and rarely leads to someone spraining one or more important muscle groups attempting to pull off. How do you define vanilla sex? (Let’s keep it clean, people!) Leave a comment below and one lucky person will get an autographed copy of A Man of Privilege (which contains both vanilla sex and not-so-vanilla sex!). Plus—bonus—every week I’m giving away one of these handcrafted (by me!) book necklaces from everyone who commented throughout the week! Check the Authorial Moms blog every Sunday to see if you were the winner!
A Man of Privilege Blurb: She isn’t what he expected. Blue-blood lawyer James Carlson is working on the case of his life. After winning this trial, his career will be set. He won’t let anything…or anyone… alter his course. Then he meets his witness. Maggie Eagle Heart makes him question everything–his family, his goals, his future. Because she’s the one woman he wants, and she’s the one woman who is completely off limits. Yet even as he struggles to keep their relationship all about business, he can’t deny the attraction is mutual–and irresistible. James has always done what is expected of him…until now. Bio: Award-winning author Sarah M. Anderson may live east of the Mississippi River, but her heart lies out west on the Great Plains. With a lifelong love of horses and two history teachers for parents, it wasn’t long before her characters found themselves out in South Dakota among the Lakota Sioux. She loves to put people from two different worlds into new situations and to see how their backgrounds and cultures take them someplace they never thought they’d go. When not helping out at school or walking her rescue dogs, Sarah spends her days having conversations with imaginary cowboys and American Indians, all of which is surprisingly well-tolerated by her wonderful husband and son. Blog Boilerplate This post is brought to you as part of the A Man of Privilege/Distinction Blog Tour. For a complete tour schedule and rules, visit www.sarahmanderson.com. Comments on this blog will be entered to win a signed copy of A Man of Privilege. Next tour stop is July 5: Novel Thoughts A Man of Privilege is available! Visit your favorite bookseller, at Amazon, or for the Nook. TweetPosted in harlequin desire, sex Comments76 thoughts on “Guest Author Sarah M. Anderson on Vanilla Sex” |
   
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LOL!!!! Great post, Sarah! Definitely looking forward to A Man of Privilege and its vanilla and non-vanilla sex
See, I’ve always liked vanilla ice cream, and I think of vanilla sex as kind of similar–it’s sweet and delicious, and maybe some might argue that it isn’t wild and crazy but I think that’s some of the beauty of it–it’s a little more comfortable, but comfortable isn’t a bad thing. It can be something to celebrate–something wonderful and lovely and sure, something you know you’re going to like (maybe even love
) and whether that’s ice cream or sex, that can be a fantastic thing 
Fedora, congrats on the rooster! I hope he’ll behave, but you probably should lock up the fireworks, just in case!
Fedora, I like what you said about sweet and comfortable, too. Forgot to say.
Congrats on snagging the rooster, Fedora!
I love your description of Vanilla. That’s my favorite flavor, too — as long as there’s lots of hot fudge on top.
Congrats on the new release, Sarah. When I hear vanilla sex I think missionary style. Not boring, just straightforward.
Congrats on the GR, Fedora.
Hi, Jane–that’s the first thing that comes to my mind, too.
Hi Jane! Nope, nothing wrong or boring about being straightforward.
Sarah, welcome to the Lair and congrats on your new release!
I think I like your definition of vanilla, something that feels easy and comfortable. One of the nice things about any longterm relationship is the level of trust that develops, so if you’re not feeling adventurous, you don’t have to pretend you are. And if you are, you can say so.
So true, Nancy. There’s a lot to be said for a nice, long-term comfortable relationship.
Like mine, for instance. When one of us mentions the Reverse Cowgirl, the other one doesn’t pass out in a dead faint. Snork!!
wow thanks for the chance
Good luck, Tammy!
Sarah, what a fun post. Kate, thanks for bringing Sarah here today to talk about the naughty bits. I’ve got to say Mommy Porn makes my eyelids twitch too. In fact, sometimes they twitch all the way until they pick up an ax. Oops! Personally I really like vanilla. I love to bake and I don’t think there’s any nicer scent in the entire world than that beautiful whiff of vanilla essence when you put it in a cake or a biscuit. So there! Vanilla is great! Long live Vanilla!
Anna, I’ll give you an AMEN and a hanky wave!
The “mommy porn” label is so incredibly dismissive and condescending it sets my teeth on edge. Then again…should we embrace is instead of bristling? It isn’t just for “mommies” (a term the press loves to make as derogatory as possible) nor “porn” (because they are actual STORIES, not simply sex scenes strung together), but certainly it is nice that the world is acknowledging that women want some form of entertainment that incorporates sex. I LOATHE this phrase, but it certainly has drawn attention to an overlooked (and HUGE) segment of female entertainment.
Hopefully in the future the world won’t be so SHOCKED that women like to read about sex of all flavors! (As if that were something new – sheesh!)
Add me to the list of those who hate the term “mommy porn.” Our society still tends to deride anything created primarily by and for women, and this seems to me to be just another example. There are plenty of movies that do well, get good reviews, and are romance novels on the screen from start to finish. People don’t dis them but do dis the genre from which they spring.
And here I always thought vanilla sex had something to do with ice cream… How disappointing!
Welcome to the lair, Sarah! Kate, thanks for kidnapping Sarah for us today. No whips or chains necessary, I hope!
Love the sound of all those hot lawyers! Man of Privilege (is that a pun on lawyer-client privilege? Oh my!)
Trust the lawyer to get the lawyer joke! It would have taken a lo-o-o-ong time for me to put that one together, Christina.
I do like vanilla, but sprinkles on top can be kind of fun too. Are we still talking about sex, because right now I’d trade it for some ice-cream.
Sex for ice-cream? That did not come out how it should have. Now, THAT sounds wrong.
I’m going away to make a cup of tea.
Mary, with all the 100-plus degree days we’ve had lately, I might be ready to swap favors with the guy driving the ice cream truck. I’m just saying!
Mary, you reckless soul, you! LOL!
Sarah
I so loved that explanation of vanilla sex sounds wonderful to me. It sounds like a really nice cocktail to me I wonder what would go into a vanilla sex cocktail the mind boggles. I have to say the book sounds excellent as well need to get this one
Congrats on the release and thanks Kate for inviting Sarah along to day
Have Fun
Helen
Happy 4th July to everyone as well
Helen, a vanilla sex cocktail?! Too funny!
Hi, Sarah!!!! So glad to have you here in the Lair. You picked a great topic. We Banditas love to talk about sex… vanilla or not.
I don’t think sex has to stretch the boundaries in order to be exciting. True excitement comes from characters who have made a connection with each other that is more than physical.
Kate, I’ve noticed the cabana boys are blushing, though!
Vanilla Sex??? Well, that’s new to me… seeing I’ve been celibate for over 6 years, I can only dream about having sex with a man right now; and yes, my dreams get pretty hot and heavy (so does my writing; but let’s not go into that right now!:P).
Anyway, my definition of Vanilla Sex… is consenting sex between two people where they enjoy themselves immensely but don’t have to be acrobats to do it, tie each other up, one be a dominant sexual partner with whips or chains and no third party gets involved… Vanilla Sex is loving, gentle and beautiful, soft and, well, you don’t have to actually have sex to get off on each other, just enjoy touching and petting if needs be (in case the woman has her monthly visitors showing up) or if you’re just getting to know each other really well before jumping into a sexual relationship…
Yep, that’s Vanilla Sex to me. If I’m wrong, well, I’m wrong.
What a nice definition, Mozette! Actually I’ve noticed we’re all pretty much in favor of vanilla sex – which isn’t to say we’d turn our noses up at other flavors, LOL!
Thanks for the definition. I like the way you make it broad enough to include pretty much anything that is comfortable and not too kinky. Looking forward to some examples in Man of Privelage
Fiona, Man of Privilege sounds really great, doesn’t it? I love discovering new authors!
Thanks so much for commenting, everyone! In this heat, I’m thinking about vanilla ice cream way more than usual!
I wish I could chat with you all more, but we had a death in the family and I won’t be able to check comments again until late tonight or early tomorrow. Thanks,
Sarah
Sarah,
So sorry to hear about the death in your family! My sincere sympathies. We completely understand that you can’t respond to comments.
Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. We’ll keep talking vanilla (sex and ice cream) over here while you take of yourself and your family. We’ll be thinking about you! (and vanilla in all its many forms…)
So sorry to hear about your loss, Sarah. Our thoughts are with you.
Hugs on your loss, Sarah.
Sarah, so sad to hear this.
So sorry to hear about the death in your family. Sending you some prayers of comfort to get you through this difficult time.
Sarah, I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
I’m so sorry to hear–prayers for you and your family, especially now. Take care!
By the way, everyone, RT Book Reviews gave Sarah’s A MAN OF PRIVILEGE 4.5 stars and a TOP PICK!! They called it “a raw and powerful love story that is at times dark and savage, and then sweetly sexy.”
Ooooooooooohhhh!!!!!
Kate, that sounds far from vanilla to me!
I know, Caren! It sounds H-h-hot!! Can’t wait to read it.
Wow, congratulations, Sarah!
Sarah, I really like your definition of vanilla sex as being what is comfortable for both partners. Since we all have varying levels of what is comfortable and acceptable to us in our sex lives, the definitions of vanilla sex vary widely from person to person, I’m sure.
I don’t generally sit around and talk about my sex life with my friends, since most of us have been married for many, many years now. It’s just not as important as it was to us when we were younger, you know? I have no idea what goes on in the bedrooms of my BFFs and, frankly, I’d rather not know. It’s all TMI when everyone is graying and not nearly as fit as they used to be!
Also, I think after you have been with a partner for a long time (it’s been 25 years since my husband and I started dating), your definition of what’s vanilla gets expanded. My husband and I have become comfortable over the years with a number of things we would not have broached when we first started out. With time comes trust and with trust comes a greater willingness to explore. So, one person’s vanilla and another’s may be greatly different!
You said what I was going to say, Caren! Both about what goes on behind the closed doors of your pals and about the definition of vanilla changing over the years – though I suspect for us teen rebels it goes in more of a ‘U’ shape, with the ‘highs’ being at either end
Anna, I think you’re dead-on about the U shape! One teen rebel to another, I’m looking forward to climbing that far bend of the U!
Hmmmm, vanilla sex. Well, I’m partial to vanilla–it’s my favorite ice cream flavor–and why do I love it so much? It’s the gold standard. Everything else is just an add-on. It’s the base for every other flavor out there. So all the people who dismiss vanilla as boring are failing to understand that it’s the foundation for the rest of it. You can’t do pistachio whip with sprinkles until you master vanilla. So get out there & make sure your vanilla is absolutely spectacular. Then add sprinkles. Guarantee you won’t sprain anything if your vanilla’s in order.
Not that we object to a few add-ons.
As a girl who finished the apple crumble I cooked for the visit by Bandita Christina Brooke on the weekend (had a writerly weekend with CB and Denise Rossetti), I can say categorically that another wonderful thing about vanilla is that it enhances anything else it accompanies. Hot apple crumble and vanilla ice-cream? Delicious. I’ve tried it with other flavors and the other flavors can fight the taste of the main event. Hmm, this metaphor is getting a little too complicated. I’d better stop before I disappear into its winding alleys!
Susan, you won a copy of A Man of Privilege! Email your address to message AT sarahmanderson DOT com! Thanks!
What a fun post and question, Sarah. I think vanilla can be used as a derogatory term to mean plain or it can be used as a compliment to mean ‘no need for extras or adornments’. I prefer to think of it as the latter.
I find it quite funny that the reserved, understated English were responsible for ‘that book’. Also how it has affected people’s behaviour by making porn ‘acceptable’. The number of people who would sniff at a romance novel for being ‘trashy’ and yet sit on the bus or in other public places reading ‘that book’ to show how ‘with it’ they are is astonishing.
Anna, I’m always astonished when something breaks out and becomes part of the zeitgeist. It happened with the Da Vinci Code too. I remember I was travelling that year and every single train or buss I was in contained hundreds of DVCs!
Great post, Sarah and Kate!! Now, excuse me,
please! I’ve got to get back to reading up on
some of the terms listed here! Catch you later!
Pat Cochran
Pat, I have a mental picture of you madly Googling “the Reverse Cowgirl”.
Don’t tell me ‘googling the reverse cow girl’ is now a slang term for people doing the nasty in a certain way? Sheesh! The mind boggles! Oh, no, and now the latest term is boggling the googling reverse cow girl!” WHERE WILL IT END????!!!!
Enjoyable post. Congratulations Sarah. Unique terms.
Diane, wasn’t it a fun post?
It’s somewhat amazing that Fifty Shades has sold 15 million copies. Does this mean that book editors at Harlequin or other publishing houses will now want romance writers to increase the heat quotient irrespective of what the plot is? That would be too bad.
Kim, I think one of the myths of 50 Shades is that it somehow made it OK to put sex in books. Things have been pretty hot in Romancelandia now for years. What I like about what’s around now is that there’s a whole buffet of sensuality levels available for readers. If you don’t like explicit lovemaking in your romances, you don’t have to read it. If you want things hot and steamy, there’s plenty of that out there too. And this certainly isn’t something new!
Nothing wrong with vanilla sex, especially if it’s with a guy who can get your heart thumping like a bowl of chocolate.
See I think it’s all about the people involved – not the positions they assume or the “toys” they employ. Even the most kinky, exotic, taboo sex with the wrong guy would be moring boring (or worse) than “vanilla” sex with the right guy.
True in life and in fiction, Donna!
Donna, I agree with you. I’ve actually found swinging from the chandeliers wearing dog collars sex (I emphasise in a BOOK!) really boring if I don’t care about the characters involved. Whereas shut the bedroom door sexual tension can really work to raise the heat if it’s done right and the characters have drawn me in.
Anna – I’m here giggling over the mental image of you in a dog collar strapped to a chandelier wiggling from the slap of the occasional riding crop. Wait…Sven just fainted!
Oh, he just needs more protein in his diet!
SNORK!!!!!!!
Screaming with laughter so loud I frightened the dogs!
I like the answer you gave.
It’s a great definition, isn’t it, BN?
Hi Sarah,
LOVED your post. I was smiling all the while i reading it. I liked how you defined Vanilla Sex. It was a truly interesting read.
Sonali, I thought this was a really fun post too! And you know how the Banditas love to talk about the naughty stuff!
Boy, you ladies had a great time in my absence! I’m so glad!! Thanks so much to everyone for weighing in on this *very* important issue!
Sarah, we care about vanilla!
Great post.. I think of vanilla sex as something like a sunday, you start off with just plain ice cream, but you can add anything to it you want…You put a little chocolate sauce, some nuts and mabye a cherry on top…but you have to start with the basics… Comfort food…
Kathleen, you gotta get the basics right. Hmm, suddenly craving ice-cream after today’s post!
What a great post! And what a great outlining of the subject of “vanilla sex!” I think “vanilla” when used to describe sex means basic sex. And with basic sex you can add anything you like to spice it up or enhance the flavor. “Vanilla” is the foundation and I think that foundation has to be the relationship between the two participants. Sometimes that is what the sex is about – the relationship. Sometimes the sex is about fun or laughter so you add some toppings to the vanilla. Sometimes it is about passion, pure unadulterated lust and deep dark passion – pour on the dark fudge. That’s how I see it.
Beautifully put, Louisa!
I love your definition of vanilla sex because it pretty much comes down to individual comfort levels and self-respect. Where that line is between enjoyable and awkward (or painful, messy, unpleasant, etc.) will differ from person to person, but the true glory of vanilla sex is the respect that each partner has for the other and the comfort that can exist even when trying out something potentially awkward. So I’ll add another little description to vanilla sex: it’s the kind of sex that people can have, enjoy, and laugh during–because sometimes sex is really funny.
Ladies, thank you so much for having such a great time with my Vanilla post! I’m happy to announce that Susan Sey won the copy of A Man of Privilege! Susan, email your address to message AT sarahmanderson DOT com! Thanks to all who commented!
Thanks for being with us, Sarah. I hope we have you back at a happier time!