 Better Together Posted by Caren Crane Feb 5 2012, 12:11 am Growing up, I considered myself something of a Lone Wolf: independent, needing no one, going it alone. I laugh at my young self now, because I grew up in a large family, where time alone was invariably at a premium? I was more pack animal than lone wolf, but I suppose it was the Lone Wolf attitude I adopted more than its actuality. My husband was much the same when I met him: fiercely independent, determined to do everything by and for himself. After we married, learning to depend on each other was quite a challenge, but having three children forces even the most stalwart loner to become quite interdependent.
How about you? Are you naturally a Lone Wolf type or a born collaborator? Have you had any great experiences of being Better Together? Or were they all like that 8th grade “group project” you ended up doing by yourself? I can’t wait to hear your stories! Posted in author teams, Caren Crane, collaboration, group project, lone wolf, teamwork, writing Comments57 thoughts on “Better Together” |
 
12 Bandita Days of Christmas
Anna Campbell
Anna Sugden
Annie West
Aunty Cindy explains it all for you
Australian Authors
Bandita Booty
Bandit Booty
Beth Andrews
Caren Crane
Cassondra's blogs
Cassondra Murray
Christie Kelley
Christine Wells
Christmas
coming attractions
contest winner
debut
Donna MacMeans
guest blogger
historical romance
Holidays
interviews
Jeanne Adams
Joan Kayse
Jo Beverley
Jo Robertson
Kate Carlisle
Launch Party
movies
paranormal romance
prizes
prize winner
Romance
romance bandits
Susan Sey
Suzanne Ferrell
Suzanne Welsh
T-shirts
Tawny Weber
travel
Trish Milburn
Uncategorized
writer's life
writing life 
|
|
 |
||
Is he coming to my house today!
He is Vriginia what are your plans for him today
Have Fun
Helen
Virgina, looks like you’ll have to work in a team with the chook today!
Oh, Virginia, you wily bird-napper! I hope you guys have a good time. Not too sure the GR will be “helpful” to you today, as we were discussing in my post; however, he is sometimes decorative (if you can keep him out of the dirt). I hope you find some use for him today!
Virginia, congrats on the bird! I hope you keep him busy.
Congrats on the bird, Virginia!
I am the lone wolf type. I have never had a lot of good experence working in a group. I do thing team work can work if you get the right people together. I took some college classes a few years back and we had to do a lot of group projects and it seems like I got stuck with most of the work Maybe it was because I am one of those people the if you have something you need to get done just go ahead an do it. Don’t wait until last minute to get it done.
Virginia, I think that’s why I always found school group projects so very difficult. I was interested in getting a great grade and turning in something I was proud of and others had different priorities, like getting out on the lawn in front of the dorm to tan.
I wish I had possessed, back then, the sort of skills I have now for getting people to cooperate and take ownership. They try to teach this stuff – I’ve witnessed it in my kids’ efforts at group projects in high school – but I think it’s something only hard experience teaches you.
I know you are a wonderful and beloved person. I’m sure now you have a great group of family and friends to pitch in with the big stuff. You know, like making cookies that take 2 or 3 people and most of a day!
Ha! Virginia, I know just what you mean. And Caren, like you, I wish “I’d known then what I know now” on getting people to jump in and work together. Amazing what we learn as we go along, isn’t it?
Caren
I too would have said I was a lone wolf once and still sometimes feel that if I want something done I may as well just do it myself. But most of the time I do like to have help and if you have a good team you know it is going to work. When I did my Frontline Management Diploma we did that as a team at work there were 8 of us who through thick and thin got all the projects done together and we all passed with flying colours it was a tough year that one I lost my Mum in the middle of it one of the other girls had to have cancer growths cut off her foot and was on crutches for a while but in we all jumped and helped each other out.
Yep I say way to go team
Have Fun
Helen
Helen, what an amazing illustration of real teamwork and camaraderie. It’s amazing what the 8 of you were able to deal with together. Can you imagine having to do all that by yourself, especially when dealing with your mom’s death? I’m so glad you had such support!
It’s amazing to me how people rally around when you need them – and ask for help. It took a long while for me to learn to ask. Some people are naturally good at this, but for me it was definitely a learned skill! I want to give you a hug now for what was happening then. (((((hug)))))
Me too! Here’s an extra hug, Helen! ((HUG))
Caren, it does take actually asking, sometimes. It took me the longest darn time to LEARN that! I wish I’d learned it sooner.
Caren, what an interesting post. I must say I groaned when I read that schedule you had. Over-committed? MUCH???!!!
Okay, in my defense, it was my husband who said YES to making the dinner. My initial reaction was, “We have a Board meeting, so we won’t be available.” But then when people started saying they would show up to help (a couple of key cookers were not at the Board meeting), I figured we could pull it off. Really, it was amazing and things got done like magic!
Except, naturally, after everyone was served and the kitchen crew decided to eat, everyone ran off and left me to deal with the stragglers – and the fact that we needed more salad made.
It all worked out, though, and you KNOW I didn’t miss a meal!
I’m with Anna, I too kinda groaned about that schedule and absolutely HAD to read on to see how you manaaged!
I am a bit of a lone wolf. It’s been my experience all to often that in a team situation the work is done by a few.
Mary, I swear we were all burned by a biology lab partner once, weren’t we?
I have done far more than my share of “team” work over the years, but as I get older, I’ve gotten better at making people feel the weight of their responsibility. I think both being a parent and beating my Girl Scouts through Bronze, Silver and Gold Award work has honed some skills I badly needed. My poor Girl Scouts would tell you some stories about how many times Ms. Caren made them rewrite their reports, I’m afraid!
I think I can be termed a lone wolf but it isn’t by choice. I was an only child with an alcoholic father. I never learned how to be around people. I had the want to but not the know how. I had plenty of cousins and when we were young I was around them a good bit but I always had the feeling of being on the outside looking in.
For the last 16 years at work though I have been a team leader at work. It is difficult to get 22 people to work together, especially when their specific jobs are different. We have cash posters, refund specialists, cashiers and imagers in one huge unit. Each group is a team in itself but sometimes that is even hard to manage.
Dianna, I’m sure you’re a great team leader! As for the history behind the lone wolfdom, I totally get that. When you’re in a situation where you have no one to depend on but yourself, you learn to do just that. I’m afraid even when my parents were married, my poor mother had to do most everything by herself, including raising the five of us kids! But us kids having each other helped, I’m sure (though I often would have traded my next-older sister for a cat or even a good sandwich!).
I know you have dear friends, though, including those here in the Lair. Just so you know, if you really need help with, say, clearing a fallen tree out of your yard one day, I have a husband (and he has friends) who love nothing more than driving and using power tools. I’m just saying!
That is so sweet Caren, and I will keep that in mind. How are they on old vehicles that may not pass inspection?? LOL
It’s funny you should mention a tree, I came home from work about a month ago and my son was just about dancing he was so excited. He said you got to see this mom, so out the back he leads me and this humongous old pine tree was laying in the neighbors yard. We live so close if it had been another 8 feet it would have taken out my kitchen. The neighbors lucked out because their house sits about 5 feet forward than mine toward the front street.
When I first moved here there was a huge male holly tree in my back yard, couldn’t see out my bedroom because the tree blocked my view, I hated it, I don’t like trees close to the house. One day I came home from work and the first thing I noticed was a bush was missing (something else I don’t like close to the house) then I noticed the debris of a tree all over my driveway. Again my son was meeting me at door and leading me to the back. My neighbor and took that tree (and bush) down, it was already gone with just the bits and pieces scattered about. My nieghbor is gone now (passed away 1 1/2 ago) but everytime I go out back I think of him. He knew I hated that tree, he had a new chain saw, end of problem.
Dianna, what a wonderful story about your neighbor taking out the tree and bush for you. That kind of help – the kind that just shows up – is such a real blessing.
I only wish my husband knew car stuff. He could save us a lot of money if he did!
He’s great with computers, chain saws, tillers, earth movers and anything requiring sheer brute force. He is certainly not afraid of hard work! Sadly, his mechanical abilities (like cars) are not as well-honed. I would love it if he were excellent at carpentry and things like that. My brother is exceptional with that stuff, but he lives in Charlotte! 
Still, the loan of brute force is always on offer!!
There is just NOTHING like a great neighbor who owns a chain saw and know how to use it. Grins. WTG, Dianna!
Hi Caren! You always do such interesting posts. Glad to hear you’re not such a lone wolf any more. You’ve got a pack right here, too, don’t forget!
I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a lone wolf when it comes to cooking. i don’t like having someone bugging me about what they can do to help when I’m trying to keep my mind on the steps in a recipe! But for creative things I do find that two or more heads are better than one. I love brainstorming plots with friends like my CP and Foanna. I used to love working with other people when I was a lawyer, too. I found it very energizing when there was all this brainpower pulling together to find a solution. So I think it probably depends what the task is!
Oh, Christina, I hear you on that! My husband enjoys cooking, but our methods are so different that we have to have VERY different jobs in the kitchen in order not to get underfoot and on each others’ nerves!
I find that I am always far more creative when bouncing ideas off others than I a am on my own. Reinvent the wheel? I’ll get right on that on my own. Ha!!
OH, BOY!
If you ever had to write about a subject, you chose a real doozy! Throughout all of school, teachers tried to put me into a group with others, but I just didn’t work well with them. I found their ideas mainstream, stupid and idiotic… and yet, they never wanted a single idea out of me. And when they did, they took it too far in one direction and not in the direction I was hoping for. That was primary school.
Now, high school… nobody (and I mean nobody) wanted to work with me. And I didn’t want to work with them! They were snobs, clicky idiots who didn’t know they way out of a paper bag with a torch, a compass and a map of Thailand. So, the first time I was shoved into a group, I was a quiet, reserved and nice student, until had an idea and put it across; where I was talked over and told to shut up. That’s when I got nasty, raised my voice, bashed the desk and threw a chair.
After that, I was never placed into another group again. The teacher could see I wasn’t accepted by any of the students and I didn’t like them either.
In life, I am an independent person. I don’t like people acting on my behalf as I think they’re after something… it’s a protective thing I think that I’ve learned through being bullied for most of my schooling life.
But I’ve recently met a man who loves that about me. He reckons – despite me being physically short – that my personality is very much taller than I am; and this can either draw people in or push them away, depending on how I act around others. And he loves that about me how I can control situations around me and yet still enjoy the company of others.
It’s the best of both worlds now I guess.
Mozette, what a lovely ending to a challenging story! It’s brave of you, too, to let someone in after experiencing so much rejection. I think for those of us who are a bit more guarded, being vulnerable is really hard. My hat is off to you for letting him get to know the real you. And THANK YOU for letting us get to know you, too. We think all your ideas rock!
Aaw, thanks.
I’m finding there’s another like me in the family and it’s my Dad. He’s very much a lone wolf; but as he’s just hit 65, I’ve noticed he’s pulled away from his friends as he retired only last October. He’s taken retirement really badly and it’s not yet a year in.
I don’t wish to be that way. I want my life to be full of friends, love and excitement. Yes, I can be blunt and very much a bull in a china-shop, but that’s just how I say things and what happens when I stop myself from saying things how they are; the true me comes out ( and if it doesn’t come out in my speech, it’ll come out in some other way; like in my books).
So, seeing I don’t wish to be like my Dad in the future (and if I do lead my life the way he did like I was planning to do around 5 years ago), I need to change it. This is why I purposely date men who the complete opposite of my Dad… they encourage me to be who I wish to be; and I can find out who I truly am instead of locking that part of me away… and I am the lone wolf, but I’m also part of the pack.
Go, Mozette! Go, Mozette! You have lots of kindred spirits here in the Lair, who were Those Weird Kids in the cafeteria (or outside hanging around the patio at my school or sitting with the Swiss exchange student who was awesome but wore the same sweater every day
). I think it’s great that you have enough clarity and distance to see what part of yourself is like your dad that you want to embrace and what part you might want to alter.
We can change things about ourselves, with lots of effort and conscious choices, but it’s definitely work. Great work. Worthwhile work, but most assuredly work. I’m glad you’re hanging out with us whilst you work! You are an amazing work-in-progress!
Thank you all for being here and being my kindred spirits. I do enjoy your banter and love your sense of humour. You guys have made me laugh so much and have become my friends; either here in Australia or across the miles.
And you aren’t the only ones who have noticed a marked changed in me over the last few years since I’ve been looking for my happyness – and found it. My older brother has noticed it, my Mum and other friends outside my immediate family have watched me flourish and it’s been a great thing to start living again … and be the work in progress again instead of something that’s standing still. You guys rock!
Caren, I’m naturally more of a lone wolf. Group work was not the vogue when I was in school, but I’ve heard lots of complaints about it. I never do group assignments for anything but discussion in my classes because I can tell from that alone that some students simply will not pull their own weight. I refuse to have others carry them. This was a chronic problem for the boy in school, people not doing anything close to their share of the work and getting an undeserved share of the grade.
Marching band was a great intro to teamwork, reinforced by the unity of the debate team. Then came the banditas, and I’m so much better with y’all than alone. I also enjoy branstorming as a group.
You and your hubby really do have a lot of commitments, but isn’t it nice when everyone pitches n?
Nancy, your comments and those of Dianna, Mozette and others are poignant illustrations of how many of us have had a natural tendency toward going it alone reinforced by the actions of others or life experiences that have taught us it is dangerous, damaging, hurtful or, at the least, not in our best interest to trust others to help pull the load or even bear our burdens.
Then there are the other experiences. Seeing a marching band learn to work as a cohesive unit. Watching a sports team or quiz bowl team or youth group or support group learn their strengths, discern their weaknesses, find the talents of each individual and how those can best be used the common good. Witnessing a group – any group – coming together and holding each other up, being more than the sum of its parts, feeds a need we share, deep down. A yearning for connection, for inclusion, for belonging to something greater than ourselves.
It can be the journey of a lifetime, but making that sort of connection fills a need in everyone who finds where to plug in. Good stuff!
A bit of both but probably more the loner when it comes to projects. I don’t really like to be the one in charge because I’m not good at bossing people around and neither do I want the glory. But if the in charge person has good ideas and knows how to lead, I’m all for it. I can remember school projects where someone bossed and everyone else did all the work – not so good lol. And I think I rather just do it myself lol. But I do enjoy doing other group activities.
Catslady, I think you’ve hit on a key issue here: the right leadership. The best leaders I’ve witnessed are those who take the time to know the people they’re called to guide. The ones who find what each person has to contribute – because we all have very unique skillsets – and nurtures those strengths in each group member, allowing them to do what they do best and do it well.
Guiding and nurturing, rather than bossing or dominating, seems to be what makes some groups shine. Of course, the best sorts of teams are like those Helen was in: ones where a leader is not foisted upon the group at all. Where a group is giving a task or charge and left to figure out how best to do that. In those cases, leaders sort of evolve and people take on what is most natural for them – or at least step up to ensure things get done, rather than for recognition or glory.
Maybe those are the groups we are attracted to because they function so naturally and well?
I pretty much had it both ways. Growing up I pretty much had to fend for myself and after I got married it felt wonderful to have someone I could really depend on and be someone my husband could depend on:)
Gail, I’m so glad you and your husband found each other. Hopefully you guys had an easier “adjustment period” than my husband and I did. We both are very obstinate and were convinced (naturally) that however we did things was best. Well, 19 years later we almost have it ironed out and don’t lock horns much these days. I hate it that we weren’t better communicators when our kids were little, but better late than never, right?
Oh Caren, I do love your posts! They’re always thought-provoking and fun.
I guess I’m similar to you and a lot of our commenters in that I was a lone wolf back in the day, never asking for help and always thinking I was much better off alone and on my own. But these days, I’m so much happier when I’m with a group. In fact, sometimes think I would love to live with a group of people so I would always have someone to talk to, someone to depend on, someone to share the burdens of life with.
Naturally, I would be the one to choose the people I’m sharing that space with. LOL
Kate, that’s so funny, because my mom and siblings (and friends of mine) are always talking about the commune we’re going to set up – kind of like the one your heroine Brooklyn grew up in! Of course, it’s doubtful that we will become wine country well-to-dos like Brooklyn’s commune family, but still.
The thought of doing communal gardening, cooking, child care, etc. really seems like it would be the way to go. Many hands make light work and all that. Plus, as you pointed out, all that company! I’ve become more sociable and outgoing as I’ve gotten older and love nothing more than sitting around chewing the fat (as the old people say).
My only condition for our “compound” (as my family calls it) is that everyone must learn to play an instrument, even if they play badly. There must be regular musical contributions to the community entertainment, since we will not have TV!
Fascinating post, Caren!
I don’t know that I’m a lone wolf so much as independent and I ‘march to my own drum’ (as I’ve been told over and over again!).
Growing up I was always the different one – for a variety of reasons – and so often had to be alone. In business, I was in that time when women had to fight to be taken seriously, so ploughed a lonely furrow. Now, I’m a writer *g*.
Yet, through it all, I’ve had a network of people, worked in teams, led teams (much better at that LOL), become part of various groups and do very well with it. Look at the Banditas and our Lair!
So, I guess, as always, I don’t fit in either camp yet again!
Anna, I feel your pain in lack of a true “category”. On the one hand, I am still independent and very much a Driver (in business parlance). Yet, I don’t feel quite the need to be in charge as I used to and am usually quite happy for others to take control. I’m not sure if I’m just older (and more tired) or if I’ve had some sea change in my character.
I like to think it isn’t just life wearing me down, but different priorities. Things that used to seem important – career, advancement, etc. – mean very little to me now. Let the young turks have at it! I’m content, much of the time, to stay in the background and keep a low profile. All while doing my own thing, naturally.
I’m not sure what that makes me, but I’m really happy to have the great groups of friends and helpers that I have. Especially those here in the Lair!
Anna, I’m like you, mostly pack, but alpha or some where around zeta because I do indeed have my own drum beat, and several riffs going on that drumbeat too. Hahah!
But like you, Caren, I do love the company of my friend and various “packs” – couldn’t live without my Banditas!
There seems to be a trend in today’s comments about us lone wolves finding our groups. Our packs. Or, as sociologists would call it, our tribes.
The bandits are my tribe. Comic book and SFF fans are my tribe. RWA has lots of friends in it, but there’s too much early morning for it to be truly my tribe. My tribe practices Night People routines. *g*
Nancy, I like the analogy of the tribes. My tribe likes to awake early, spend time alone, drink lots of coffee, then start socializing. We are most productive from 10 – 2 (midday) and then we like to take a siesta, go for a walk, have tea, plan dinner, eat dinner, read or watch a movie and get in bed by 10:30. We are the dreaded Mostly Morning People!
Aaaaand my tribe stands around looking at your tribe through dark sunglasses. You are waaaaay too darn chipper in the morning, and we grunt at you when you answer if it’s before 11 am.
Firmly in the vampire night tribe here.
Cassondra, my tribe will stay up just late enough to share wine with your tribe and giggle hysterically. After that, we must take ourselves off to bed while your tribe gets going for the “day”.
Love to you!!
Hello, Night People Tribe! You are MY people!
I have come to loathe the 7:20 a.m. bus for the middle schooler. Truly. Loathe. It.
The dh and the boy used to leave for school at 7:20. I was so grateful the dh handled that.
The boy used to be a night person, but he now gets up around dawn to enjoy the quiet and get things done. More like his dad.
Jeanne, you would REALLY have hated the 6:30 bus my kids had (one in high school, two in middle school). I ended up changing my schedule so I could drive the girls to school on my way in (it wasn’t TOO far out of the way) so I wouldn’t have to do the 6:30 bus anymore!
Caren, what a fun post! I’ve had my lone wolfishness, but not too much. More for me had been that my drumbeat just isn’t quiiiiite the same as others. Hahah! I like groups and tribes and so on. I’ll herd them as I see fit, I quite confess, like a collie, but I also love to be part of “groupness.” That said, I”m not generally a joiner, per se. I pick and choose, and the Bandits fit me juuuust fine!
“Herd them as I see fit..”
Ahahahahaha!
Yes, you are my evil twin. There is no doubt.
Jeanne, I remember when we met. It was at the Atlanta conference in 2006. I was standing in line for coffee and you were in line behind me. I was so happy to meet you and find out we were both finalists! I love my Bandita tribe and I feel so very blessed by every one of you – vampires and diurnal types alike!
Caren, I was exactly like you in school….I thought of myself as independent and not needing anybody. That’s how I “thought” of myself…
But I also had the benefit of some (extended) family who taught me by example, and by letting me participate, how to be a helper, work together with other people, and taught me the skill of thinking ahead so I was in the most advantageous position to be able to help the project along…whether that was realizing somebody needed the loose end of the tape measure held steady, or realizing that the cousin on the roof was gonna need another pack of shingles in the next few minutes, I learned how to anticipate those things and be a good helper–a valuable part of a team.
I once got an award for “Most Cooperative” member of our drill team (this was in 8th grade). And I went on to facilitate experiential learning in outdoor adventure programs for…..*drum roll please* engineers! So I do know that engineer mindset. *grin* Veeeery reluctant to raise the hand and say, “I need help!” Even when I set them up so they can’t succeed without doing it. (Yes, I’m THAT mean.)
Still, in my own family, and in high school and in college, I thought myself independent. And I was. I was sort of a late bloomer socially and I just didn’t know how to form those kinds of relationships really. If somebody asked ME for help, I was all over that. But getting help for myself? That was a skill I did not have.
I formed the skill of asking for help as I trained to facilitate teambuilding. I have to say it was some of the coolest personal growth experience I’ve ever had.
So in later life, running teambuilding exercises, running events (no one person makes a big event happen–it’s a team project in the truest sense)–and doing a ton of project work for a living, I’m all about “find out what people are good at and recruit those people!”
Yeah…I’m all about team now.
And I’m an extrovert. It’s a weird mix for a writer…such a solitary profession.
Cassondra, I just love you.( Sorry, that was me having a moment of “I haven’t seen Cassondra in a million years” guys!) Every time you comment, it reminds me of my childhood, my awkwardness, my evolving self-image, my life. I feel like we’re sisters separated at birth. Okay, I feel like that about Jeanne, too. Except, you know, you’re both MUCH cooler than I am. And more outgoing. And more attractive. Okay, now I have to stop because I’ve written myself into a funk because: a) I miss you guys; and, b) I’m still the ugly sister in this scenario.
Back in the day, when our crew was still in
school, our band booster group used lots
of teamwork for our various projects. One
fundraising combination that worked well
began with a spaghetti supper. With the
men cooking, the women serving and all
cleaning, the supper segued into a student
rockathon. The rockathon chaperones were
with the students all night and served them breakfast before we turned them over to
their parents. We had an exceptionally well
trained group. Honey and I were with the
booster group for a total of 17 years.
Pat, that is an amazing feat of teamwork. My hat’s off to you! You guys obviously had the Band Boosters trained right.
I love it when you get like-minded people focused in a single direction!
I’m definitely a colloborator. Never the lone wolf, I prefer to be surrounded by people. And I agree teamwork allows amazing things to be accomplished.
Here’s my story (hehehe) – when I was in advanced English in high school, the teacher had the students present a couple of poems to the class and make up some questions about them to be used for the test. “You can share the questions with your classmates,” he said, “but you’ll only be hurting yourself in the long run.” So I got two other people to come to my house. Between us, we called every person in the class and got their questions. We typed the questions and answers up and distributed copies to every one that gave us their questions – which was everyone in the class less one. Everyone that participated got an A. There were two classes and our grades were always combined for purposes of the curve. The other class didn’t participate in the project – they were really ticked that they didn’t have the teamwork that our class did.
Awesome work, Donna! I love it that the teacher thought you would avoid sharing and inadvertently caused you to share even more. Ha! I’m not surprised you were in on the planning of it, either. Donna knows how to network, people!!
Hmm… well, Caren, I have to say in response that well, it depends! If the people in the group have compatible work styles and goals, then in general, working together is awesome. But I know that I’ve sometimes found it frustrating to be required to work with someone who approaches something completely differently or who does things in a way I consider wrong–it’s my problem, but it’s a hard one to get past at times!